


The Needle and the Damage Done

by Dillian



Series: Men's Magazine Stories [1]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: 1969, AU, Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Bisexual Tony Stark, Drinking, Drug Use, F/M, FrostIron - Freeform, Full-frontal nudity, Heroin, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Multi, Pepperony - Freeform, Photographer-Tony, Pornography, Voyeurism, drug injection, naked pictures
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-16
Updated: 2015-07-23
Packaged: 2018-03-18 04:54:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 25,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3556787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dillian/pseuds/Dillian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by a book about the history of gay porn (<i>Bigger than Life,</i> Jeffrey Escoffier), which talked about porn movies that told a story through multiple sexual encounters:  This is the story of Tony Stark, alcoholic, photographer, and n'er-do-well, of the successful business he builds up with his wife Pepper, selling beefcake pictures through the mail, and of a good-looking young addict named Loki, who brought it all tumbling down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pepper Potts

“I sing the song because I loved a man,  
I know that some of you don't understand.  
Milk, blood, to keep from running out.  
I've seen the needle and the damage done,  
A little part of it in everyone,  
But every junkie's like a settin' sun.”  
\-- Neil Young, “The Needle and the Damage Done”

**_The Avengers_ , _Iron Man_ , and _Thor_ , and all situations and characters thereof, belong strictly and solely to Marvel Comics. This is a fan-work, meant for enjoyment only, and not for any material profit.**

Two problems I’ve got with drinking: Number one, your dick doesn’t work when you’re drunk. Number two, your dick doesn’t work when you’re drunk. That’s it. Other than that, it’s your problem. If you have a problem. I don’t know, maybe you don’t? Maybe you’re one of those rare people who doesn’t care how other people live their lives? Do your own thing, maybe that really means something to you? Like it doesn’t with most people. As I’ve learned over the years. One of the few things I’ve learned over the years. But I don’t know, maybe there’s still some time left.

Story of me, is I’m a drunk. Wastrel son of a powerful father. Scion of wealth, child of fortune. I’m the kid Daddy wanted to give the family business to, only look at me, I don’t have it. I grew up, decided I didn’t want to be in the munitions business. Didn’t want to grovel and kowtow in front of the men in power, didn’t want to have to lie awake nights, thinking about what kids might have been orphaned that day, because of something I’d made, now look what I do instead.

I’m what they call a pornographer. Transmitting obscene materials through the mail… Sorry. Not obscene. Not anymore… Pepper would kill me if she found out I’d called it that. …Courtesy of the United States Supreme Court, as of this Year of Our Lord, 1966, what we sell is no longer obscene, it’s… How was it they said it? Yeah, it’s “not beyond the pale of contemporary notions of rudimentary decency.” How do you like them apples? First time in his life, Tony Stark’s ever been _not_ beyond the pale of contemporary notions of rudimentary decency.

…Anyway, I was talking about my life. I wasn’t really, but we’ll call that a segue. I might as well tell you my story, right? I mean, what else do we have to do besides the boozing? Story of how a nice boy from California grew up and sold dirty pictures by mail. It’s interesting. Lively. You might as well stick around, right? Who knows, you might even learn something.

…So there I was. 1955, that was. I was a boy just out of High School. Dad had informed me he wasn’t going to pay for the Photography studies I wanted, I was looking around for what I would do instead…

No, that’s not true. What it was, was I had this trust fund. Money my Grandma had left me, I had that, figured I’d live on it for a while, see if Dad would relent. I was that dangerous thing, a young man of leisure. Kid with too much time on his hands. I spent a lot of time in Vegas that year, visited a lot of casinos, saw a lot of shows. That’s where I met her.

Pepper Potts, she was already calling herself that when I met her. I found her in this nudie joint, a little too far off the strip. Kind of place where the sign outside didn’t bother with photos, you know? They just show the girls’ measurements, like that’s going to draw all the customers they need. Drew me, so I guess they couldn’t have been too far off from wrong, and I went in…

Kind of place where the lights were low even at lunchtime, which is when I went in there. Kind of place where it smelled like the cheap cigars the tinhorn sports were smoking, and the cheap whiskey they were swilling down, and there I was… Knew I couldn’t expect a decent martini from a place like that, so I ordered whiskey too, and I found a table toward the side, and I sat down to see what all the fuss was about.

…Did I mention it was also the kind of place where you knew you could rent the girls as well as watch them? Because prostitution’s legal in Las Vegas, maybe you didn’t know that. Kid of 18 like I was, that was half the reason I was there. Brought along my fake ID that I’d paid a small fortune for, brought along a big wad of money. I was going to get myself drunk, and I was going to get myself laid, not necessarily in that order. And I sat down, took a drink of that rotgut-whiskey they sold in there, and the fanfare starts, out comes the M.C. Next thing you know, out comes Pepper.

She was what you might call a lollapalooza. I mean, she’s great now, but back then? Back before I put that superficial sheen of class that she has now on her? Back then, if you’d seen her… You remember that cartoon about the Wolf and Red Riding Hood? One where he sees her, and the Wolf’s eyes pop right out of his head? I think that’s what my eyes did when I saw Pepper. She must have noticed, because after the show was over, mine was the table she came over to.

Red hair, flowing kind of loose, over one eye, all down the back of that tight red dress she was wearing. Blue eyes, that looked like they knew what you were thinking even before you did, and this smile that said… What did her smile say?

God, so much water under the bridge since then. How can I tell what either of us were thinking back then, from the vantage point of now?

Well I was thinking I wanted to get laid. That was literally all that was in my mind then, was just this one thought, “I can pay for her, and then she’ll be mine.”

As for Pepper? Well she probably saw I had money, right? I mean, I was dressed nice, I’d been pretty freehanded so far, tipping the hat-check girl, the guy that brought me my drinks, and so on, and all that. She probably came over there, because she had me pegged: Here was a kid with more money than he had sense, and half-drunk to boot. What could be easier for a working girl like her, than to get a little of that money off him?

And she sat down… God, I was a complete greenhorn. And she knew it, she knew exactly what I was. And oh, she flattered me, hanging on my every word, and laughing when I said anything even remotely funny. And she gave me those _smiles_ of hers… Those calculated, Pepper Potts smiles, guaranteed to knock anything with pants dead, for a radius of a good mile or so. I got my full portion of those that afternoon, also those flattering responses a lady gives a man when she wants him to like her: “Oh, that’s so _interesting_ , Mr. Stark, oh, tell me _more_ , Mr. Stark…”

I was so naïve back then. I think we’d been talking five minutes, no more than that certainly, and that’s when I made the pitch to her. I said… Jesus God, you know I still remember the exact words I used?

Yeah, first thing you said to your wife when you met her was, “You ever …you know? You ever do it? I can pay…” Try forgetting that, I dare you. I think my voice might have broken too, and I know I was blushing red as a beet when I said it.

Pepper already knew what I was going to ask though, and she already knew what she was going to answer. She just smiled, one of those knowing smiles of hers, and she put her hand on my arm (probably to keep me from making a break for it, before she could get the money out of me). “Why Mr. Stark,” she murmured. “You do know how to make a girl feel good.”

God, it’s funny to think about all that now. Because that’s how Pepper was, back in the day. Water under the bridge, that’s what it is. It’s all just so much water under the bridge.

And we went back into the back room… Into this lousy little back room area, like, two or three dressing rooms, that weren’t so very private, probably a janitorial closet beyond that. …We went in there…

And oh god, I wanted it so bad I was about to come in my pants. Because you’ve got to understand, I’d never had a woman before. Couple of girls from my High School, couple of girls with reputations, if you know what I mean. I’d done it once or twice with girls like that, the kind that would let a fellow take them over to the nude side when you took ‘em to the beach. But Pepper, she was a _woman_. She was _quite_ a woman, and it was pretty overwhelming for me, I can tell you.

And she took me into what must have been her dressing room… Private dressing room… Sort of. As private as a warped door that didn’t close all the way, and didn’t lock even if you did get it closed, would make it. …And there was this little lumpy couch in there, upholstered in brown cloth with suspicious stains all over it. Pepper sat me down there, and right away we were kissing.

…Right away her hand was on me too. It was right _there_ , right between my legs. I could feel it too, I could literally feel every finger. And she was pressing, kind of gripping me through the fabric. And she was murmuring all this stuff: “Mmm, you’re so hard, mmm, you’re so _big_ , ooh, Mr. Stark…”

That was one of the things she did that really got me. Think about it, will you? I was this 18-year old kid, and suddenly there I was: I was _Mr. Stark_ , I was paying for a woman… And what a woman too. I mean, ye gods.

…And, “Ooh, _Mr. Stark,_ ” she murmured, “you’re so _big_ , and so _hard._ ” And she took my hands, put one on her tits in front, put the other one up underneath her dress…

Imagine being 18 years old, and touching a woman _there_ for the first time. Think about what that feels like, that little tickly feeling of the hair, and the moistness, when you get your finger inside.

“Mmm, touch me there,” she was saying. “Mmm, not just one finger, I want more, give me more.”

And before I knew it, she was taking her dress off. I was seeing more _woman_ than I’d ever seen anywhere… This was before _Playboy_ , remember. …Before I knew it, she was letting me kiss her tits. She was letting me suck on them… Letting me? She was _begging_ for it. Because she knew the more she let me do, the more I’d pay her, probably.

…I was sucking on her tits… Oh god, oh god, the feel of that. First time I’d ever done more than put a hand on a girl’s tit, and remember, this was a _woman_. Then she showed me how to suck her somewhere else… 

I was down on my knees in front of that couch, I was goddamn _worshiping_ her. I was worshiping at the shrine of Miss Pepper Potts, Songstress and Stripper Extraordinaire. And first I was licking her, then I was putting my tongue inside. She let me know exactly where to lick, and then when I found it, she showed me how to suck, how to make her feel really good with my sucking.

She showed me how to make her come, which was probably all a big put-on. Women can pretend to come, which is just one of the many ways they have the advantage over men. Pepper showed me what to do, then she came, in this long string of shrieks, and little squeals, and, “Ooh, Mr. Stark, Oh, Mr. Stark, Aah, Mr. Stark”s.

Then that was when she turned around and did the same thing for me… Put a condom on me first, as in, she was the one who had the rubber, she was the one who took it out of the wrapper, and she was the one who rolled it down over my 18-year old dick. She got herself protection… Hell, we both needed that, didn’t we? Then she laid me down on that couch, and she rode me like a bucking broncho.

She rode me… It was me lying there with my head back, feeling like I had found Heaven, and Pepper Potts Stripper Extraordinaire, up on top of me, going, “Kee-yaw, whoopee-ti-yi-yo, motherfuckers!”

And I came fast, the way 18-year olds come, and then I was lying there breathing really heavy on that stained, lumpy old couch of hers. Then pretty soon she got me up, explained how I was going to have to leave, she had another show in 15 minutes. Then after that, I paid. A lot. I paid more than the best piece of pussy is worth, more than even Pepper Potts’ pussy was worth, but it was worth it to me. Because I’d had a _woman_ , see? And nobody could take that away from me.


	2. Pepper Potts and Happy Hogan

How old was Pepper when I met her? Jesus, I don’t know. Ask her now, she’ll say she was 20… If you can get her to talk about it at all. Pepper hates talking about those times. …Yeah, “20,” she’ll say if you ask her about it, but of course she’s lying. Women all lie about their ages, after they hit 30. Anyway, she was young. And I was young. We were just these two babes in the woods, just these two kids, finding about the world together.

…Actually, we kind of built the world ourselves. Our world, you understand. The world of taking dirty pictures and selling them. Hell, world? We built an _empire_ , baby. We built _our_ empire, Pepper and me together, out of my brains, and her energy, and a lot of hard work from both of us. Here’s how that one happened:

After that first time with Pepper, I was hot to go back. Baby, you couldn’t have kept me away, I was just itching. But I didn’t want to go back and just be a kid again. Because I knew she’d been laughing at me the other time, right? Nobody likes a woman laughing at them, it’s a dignity thing, and an 18-year old kid? Like, twice as much? Three times as much? You get a little kid in there, he’ll be so stiff, so tense… He’ll be on his dignity, is what he’ll be, and that’s what I was, I was _on my dignity_ , and this time when I went back, I wanted to go back looking dignified.

So it was my brilliant idea, that the way to do that was to take my camera along this time. Because I had it with me on the trip, I used to take my camera everywhere back in those days. It was there in my hotel room, and I don’t know… Well, it was a good-quality camera, nothing but the best for Howard Stark’s son, you know. If you’d gotten into my head, what you’d have seen was, “Well, I’ll take this really professional-looking camera along, that way she’ll think I’m a professional.” Because professional equals grown-up, right? As in, not a kid?

And I thought, “Well, if she asks about it, I’ll offer to take pictures of her, because she’s a model, right, and don’t models need photos?”

Model, yeah right. Pepper was a model like I’m Alfred fuckin’ Stieglitz. I was being _kind_ to her with that one, and I knew it even back then. But you don’t just call a girl a trollop straight-out, or at least I didn’t when I was a kid, back in ‘55.

And there I was in that bar again… Smoky haze that came billowing out the door at you before you even went inside, row of bald heads that you saw in the front row, and the overcoats all in the guys’ laps to cover their hardons. Stink of cheap whiskey, and cheap cigars, and cheap perfume, from the dancers. Faint smell of drains from the bathrooms. I got me an adult beverage and I sat down, my camera sitting prominent on the table.

After the show, there comes Pepper. Kind of a cavegirl-outfit on this time. Little skimpy leopard thing, kind of half Raquel Welch, half Pebbles Flintstone. Hair still hanging down her back, rippling, face made up all cheap like the last time…

First thing I did with Pepper after she was mine? I made her change that make-up. Used some of my trust-fund, got a guy in there, showing her how to do it right. Half of making a woman look like a class act is right there, it’s in the make-up. …Of course you don’t always want them to look like a class act, if you know what I’m saying.

…Anyway, show’s over, and there she comes. And yeah, there was this look of amusement on her face when she saw me again, and what else was there? What really got me? There was pity in there too, that’s what got me. This cheap trollop in a dive-bar in Vegas, and she’s going to pity me? Me, Howard Stark’s son? Maybe I wouldn’t have taken it as far if I hadn’t seen that in there, but of course I did, and the rest is history. Well, it hasn’t turned out all that bad for me, has it? I guess I should be grateful.

…So I was saying: She comes over. I see that look in her eyes, but of course I’m not going to let on to her, am I? I’m not going to say a thing. And she comes over, she gives me a smile real cool like. “Mr. Stark,” she says. And, “How nice to see you again,” or some such.

I go, “Well it’s nice to see you again too, Miss Potts.” And too quick, I go into my pitch: Pictures, what girl doesn’t need pictures? And maybe some glamor shots? Real cheesecake stuff? I am a professional, aren’t I? Or at least I am close to a professional, wasn’t I in Photography Club all four years of High School? …Except I didn’t put it quite like that, because I wasn’t going to admit I was just 18 for anything.

Fortunately, she was pretty new at the whole thing too. She didn’t have any pictures, and she was smart enough to know she could get a better job if she did have some. I don’t think it even crossed our radars then, that we could sell the pictures. I mean nowadays, with _Playboy_? That’s the first thing you’re going to think of, right? I’ll bet there are boys out there right now, thinking if they can just get a girlfriend, and if she’ll just pose for them, that’s their ticked to sitting poolside with Hugh Hefner, and a lot of bunnies serving them martinis and stuff. This was before that though, remember. We were just thinking she could use ‘em for a job. And I pitched it to her: “I’ll take the pictures.” She took me up on it, said, “Why don’t we get started right now?” 

And we did. We go in there, me with my camera, her with her Pebbles Flintstone cavegirl dress, and that swinging red hair, and she says, “How do you want me to pose, Mr. Stark?”

Well of course I had no idea. Had it to do over again, what I’d have done was take advantage of the setting. Dingy dressing room, all that dilapidation, you’re not going to hide that stuff. You’ve got to make it work for you. Had it to do over, I’d probably make like I was taking candid shots: Burlesque girl, changing between shows, photographer just happens to catch her with her panties off …and most of the rest of it too. Get the piles of costumes into the shots, make sure you catch that mirror with all the lights around the edge, and the cans of make-up. Back then though? Back then, I had no idea. I just thought I’d put her in something glamorous, and take pictures that didn’t show any of her extremely un-glamorous surroundings.

So that’s what we did, that first time. That’s all we did. She wore something… Pink, I think it was, and with some of that feathery stuff on it. She didn’t show much, flash of titties in front, peek of her round ass under the feathery stuff, and she posed for me… Was it on that godawful stained couch in there? I think it was. …Anyway, she does all the standard poses a girl would learn, in the line of work she was in. Bend over, show the ass, turn around hands under the titties to bring ‘em up in your face, etcetera. She does all that, lowered eyelids under the red hair, and that knowing Pepper-smile on her face while she did ‘em, and there I was taking flash photos the whole time.

That was the first time. The second time, oh my god. Well for one thing, she’d gotten herself a manager by then. Guy by the name of Happy, big bruiser with a broken nose, worked as a bouncer at the bar. Hap’s still with our outfit, but it’s been a long time since we’ve let him anywhere near the business end of things. …So she had a manager now, also this time she called me.

I’d already been in Vegas for a week, which was longer than I was expecting to be there, but remember, this was _Vegas_. This was booze, and broads, and wide-open, legal gambling. This was what they made Tony Stark for in the first place. And I was still there, still paying through the nose for a room at the Sands, right on the Strip.

And Pepper calls… Phone rings, and it’s the switchboard, “Phone call for you, Mr. Stark,” and they put her through. …”Hello, Mr. Stark?” And she explains to me: See, she’s got this idea, because her manager, Mr. Hogan… Ha, _manager_. Happy. Cracks me up every time I think about that. …Her _manager_ , she says, Mr. Hogan, he told her how you can sell pictures like we took the other day. There is a market for them, she says, and he’s going to help her sell them. She’s like, “So I was wondering, maybe you could take some more?”

So I took some more. And I go over there… Got to hand it to Happy, he knew we needed a better setting than that dressing room at the bar. He’d made a deal with some friend of his that worked at a burlesque show, so we could use the stage after hours. Stage, all the scenery, and the costumes… Hell, we were all set, right?

…So I go over there. Pepper’s got this set-up: Two cardboard palm trees, and she’s in a hula girl outfit… Hell, it was 1955, remember. …She’s got the scene all set up, and I take some pictures…

Standard stuff again. Cutie-pie poses: Hula girl dances, hula girl shows off her titties, hula girl leans against the posing stool, shows off her ass a little. Then all of a sudden I get this idea…

Don’t know why I thought of it. Because Hap was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, probably. He’s there in this Hawaiian shirt… Loudest goddamn thing you ever saw, but that’s Happy of course. …And he’s standing off to the side, just with his arms folded, trying his best to look managerial. And all of a sudden I get this idea: “Hey, why don’t we include him in the picture?” 

Well Happy had been around the block before, even if Pepper and I hadn’t. “Yeah, that’d be swell,” he says, and he starts talking about Bettie Page… Who I had never heard of at the time. …He’s talking about Bettie Page, how you could get pictures of her, and she was posing with someone, and he’s talking about how sexy those pictures are, how they’re the sexiest ones out there. “Big guy like me,” he says, and he’s talking about how it would look if he were tying Pepper up, maybe menacing her a little. And I don’t know, it sounded good to me, so we did it.

Pepper, tied up: Pause for a moment and consider that one, all right? Think about Pepper… Who already had that sort of touch-me-not quality about her even then. …Those long white arms of hers? How they’re so clean and perfect? Ropes around those, and more around her waist, believe me, you’re not going to notice that’s a fake palm tree she’s tied to. And her hula-skirt had come off at some point, she’s there in just a bikini… One of those 50’s-style bikinis, that covers more than most girls’ underwear does nowadays, but still. …She’s there in just a bikini, and tied to that tree. Head thrown back, all that red hair rippling all over everywhere… And I was taking the pictures real careful, so all you noticed was her, not that fake tree she was tied to.

Then Happy came into the picture, and I got kind of distracted… Hap still models for us from time to time. He’s getting up there now maybe, but he’s got that rough look to him that a lot of models don’t. What you mostly see is pretty girls, and pretty, pretty boys. Happy’s different, he’s all man. …And he comes in there… He’d gotten himself a tiki mask from somewhere, and he was wearing that, but I didn’t notice. All I noticed was his body. The bulk of it, and the shoulders… Way his hairy arms came out of that Hawaiian shirt, and how his big, hairy hands looked, when he grabbed Pepper’s waist… God, if I wasn’t hard before? Which I was?

…You know, I think that was the first time that I had an inkling that maybe… Bisexual, it’s called. Everybody’s bisexual these days. It is, shall we say, the hip thing to be, in these decadent 60’s. …And I’d done a few things at that point, but nothing big. Circle-jerk with the other kids on the camp-out, couple painful crushes on other kids I knew in Junior High School, that sort of thing. Nothing that would lead me to believe I was anything besides straight up-and-down, 100% male, and heterosexual as they come, but that was the day when I started to wonder. That was the first time I ever thought about doing it with a man. First time I did it with a man too, but we’ll get to that part.

…Anyway, there comes Happy into my viewscreen. There he is, big shoulders, big all over. …There he is, putting those big hands of his on Pepper, those hands, where just to look at them, you know this is a guy who can use his hands, this is a guy who could take you apart if he wanted to. And Pepper’s giving him the fakest scared-look you ever saw in your life, but do you know the illusion still worked? Illusion was getting me all hot and bothered, I can tell you that, and if it worked for me? Well then it was going to work for all the people who would be buying these pictures too, right? So that’s what I thought, and I just kept taking those pictures.

Then after a while, Happy turns. That’s when I saw he had a hardon, and I don’t know…

Did I glimpse anything of what was coming? I did not. The beefcake? No. Or that I might sell pictures of fucking… Let alone the idea of movies? All of it, no. All I was thinking, was that I was going to go home, pretty soon, and I wanted some pictures of the two of them, you know, _together_. I wanted to be able to look at those, after I got home.

At that point, I was glad we’d already talked about compensation. Which we had, and we even had a deal set up for how much I’d get, how much they’d get. But I decided if they wouldn’t go for it any other way, I would take some of the pictures instead of payment. As long as they’d let me take the right pictures. And that’s what I pitched to them, and they said yeah of course. Who wouldn’t say yes to some free pictures?

Then I set it up the way I was thinking. Happy in the viewscreen again, but this time he’s taken the Hawaiian shirt off. This time, all he’s got on is a hula skirt… Pepper’s hula skirt, by the way, because it was the only one we could find. And that it didn’t fit all the way around the middle? Hell, I liked it better, because of that. …And there he is, nothing on underneath the skirt… And every so often the grass would kind of shift a little, you’d get a peek of… Well let me tell you, Happy is what you’d call _endowed_.

Beer-can cock, that’s the terminology you use. As in, it’s hard, and thick… Like a man’s arm, is what it looks like, like, it’s that thick. You look at him, all you can think of is what it would feel like to get that up inside… Get it all the way in there, get it to where you can really feel it… Or get him up inside some lady, and then after he fucks her, then it’s your turn, you can just have a field day, licking all that sweet pussy juice off of him.

…Pussy juice all mixed with his cum… I’ve done that. Did it that day… For the first time… Hey, I still get with Happy now and then for old time’s sake. Big beer-can cock? On a guy that’s kind of rough, kind of grey, like one of those Sergeants out of a war movie? Mmmm, yeah…

Oh yeah, where was I? Yeah, Pepper: First thing, was I asked Hap to take the bikini top off her… Said I wanted him to really go after her, if he ripped it or anything I’d buy her a new one… Picture Pepper Potts, realizing she might get a new costume out of me, as well as the pictures? You were looking at one happy girl, there, and everything else I proposed, it was a “Right away, Mr. Stark,” out of her, double-quick time.

…And he got that bikini top off. There were her tits, just as fine as I’d remembered. Nipples standing out, rosy-pink and hard like little bullets, that smooth, silky stomach, and that curvy, curvy waist… And Hap’s got his hands all over her now…

“Treat her rough,” I say… And believe me, I wasn’t worried about if my voice was cracking, not then, I wasn’t. “Really manhandle her,” I tell him, and was Happy ever up for the job.

Next thing you know, he’s taking the bottom part off too. There’s her ass, which I hadn’t really gotten a good look at the other time, and believe me when I tell you, it was just as good as her tits… You can still see it all for yourself, if you want to. We’ve still got those early photos in our catalog. …He turns her around, ties her up to the tree facing the other way, so her ass is facing outward. Then he grabs her by the waist.

…I’m shooting from the side, meanwhile. I’ve got my camera angled so I get her in profile: Wrists tied, arms above her head… Head thrown back, by the way, so her red hair is falling down over her cute, naked little ass. …And the bare ass jutting out, curving up and kind of winking at you. I’ve got Hap in profile too. Big hairy shoulder pointing straight at the camera, and the arms out, hands on Pepper’s hips. You can see his cock, it’s all the way out of the grass skirt now, and it looks hard as a cannon (and as big as one too). And I say, “Take her, come on, take her!” And then Happy does…

That big cock, going up and between her legs. Going up and inside her, all the way inside… Coming out, all slicked with her juices, then going back in again… And all the time she’s going, “Oh, no, no, oh, no, no!” She’s putting on an act, see? She’s giving me what I wanted, like the true professional she’s always been. And oh, it was just what I wanted it, and I got every bit of it on film… Took me three rolls of film to get it all, by the way. And when I developed them? God _damn_ , instant hardon, every time a print came out of the solution.

…I was getting it all on film… Every bit of it, the head thrown back, and the red hair, the mouth pursed up to scream, and his beer-can cock, going into her again and again. …I got it all, then he comes out in time for me to catch his jizz on film too, and I did… Didn’t look like much, in a still photo, but it was enough so you could tell what was happening. That was enough, believe me.

And after that? 18-year old kid, right? You think I was going to ask for what I so clearly wanted? My hardon’s just straining those preppy-chinos I was wearing, but do you think I was going to ask for it? And Pepper comes over, she’s like, “What do you want to do, Tony…” She was calling me Tony, by then. …She’s like, “You did me a favor, now let me do you one, Tony.”

And I’m there, I’m thinking, “Yes, definitely,” but I’m also thinking about Happy.

And Happy’s still hard… He’s good at sustaining an erection, Hap is, but I think it was more than that. I think he saw what I was thinking, and he was thinking the same thing. I think he wanted what I wanted… Which was to _lick_ him, by the way. Maybe he knew about the other things a man can do, but I didn’t, not then.

…Anyway, he turns to me… And there’s that big cock of his, hard and still glistening from what he’d done with Pepper. He just looks at me, and he gives me this smile…

Kind of smile that tells you, “Go on, do it, you know you want to.” And I did it… Down on my knees in record time, I had him inside my mouth, I was taking him like a starving man takes his last meal. God, and the _taste_ … Both of them mixed together, mixed with my 18-year old innocence, burning up just as fast as I could burn it… God, that’s all. Just, _God_ …

Then after that, Pepper did me. She must have been really grateful, because she went down on me… First time I’d ever had someone do me like that, man or woman, but remember, I was 18. Practically the _only_ time Pepper’s ever done me like that. …She did me, and she swallowed it, then she kissed me, with her mouth still tasting of my jizz. _God_.

…So yeah, that’s how we got into business together. The founding of an empire, baby. Say, call the bartender over, will you? The next round’s on me.


	3. Thor and Loki Odinson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You will note, I am already violating my own resolution to put sex in every chapter. Hopefully it creates a little suspense, or at any rate that is the intention.

Yeah, where was I? Start of my career? Yeah, that was it. Of course I’ve told you, Pepper’s really the one that started it. She’s the one that had the idea, then Happy got us started with the marketing. Me? I’m the creative talent. I’m the one that generates the product, that the others go around selling.

And let me tell you, some of that product has been damn good stuff. Now what you’ve got to know with your nudie pictures, is that different stuff sells in different ways. What we did when we got started for instance? Like, the pictures of Pepper? Clothed pictures, you sold ‘em to the magazines. _Gent_ , _Sir_ , _Man_ … Naked pictures, well sometimes you could get ‘em in the art periodicals, usually you sold those by putting an ad in the back of the men’s magazines and selling ‘em mail-order. Then if there was a man in ‘em? If they were by chance, doing something together? That stuff you sold one-on-one, and one of the things we really used Happy for there at the beginning, was he was the one that would go around to the smokers. Shriners having a convention? Elks Lodge annual night? Anyplace they were showing those 8 mm movies, you know, the dirty ones, that’s where we wanted him, and he’d bring our pictures along, and he’d sell ‘em there.

Probably got himself a little extra action that way too. Hap’s what you might call an equal opportunity cocksman. Man, woman, whatever, if there’s action, he’s up for it. And remember, he was our model for half of those pictures we were doing then, so if you were buying those, you knew what Happy was capable of. Bet there was many a Shriner who saw those things, got to feeling a little horny afterward, and there was Happy, always ready to oblige.

…But I was talking about the business, wasn’t I? Well at first it was only girls that we did… You know, girls and guys together sometimes, doing stuff, but with the girl always being the center of the action. I was the one that decided I wanted to branch out. I got to thinking…

Beefcake magazines, that’s what they called ‘em. And you’d get those by mail order too, and you had to know where to get ‘em. Just these little things, really bad paper, bad print job on them too. And bad ink, bad binding, just all of it really bad, like really cheaply made, and so flimsy they used to fall apart in your hands if you weren’t careful. But people would buy them, you see, because that was all there was. Men would buy them… You know, homosexuals. …They would take those things and they would read them from cover to cover. 

And god, if you saw one of them now? It would look sad by the standards of nowadays. We’re talking phony-ass Greek poses. Men, standing around fakey-fake Greek columns, men, kneeling at the feet of other men, or pretending to chip them out of marble. Or you would get the other ones, the ones that pretended they were all about bodybuilding.

That’s what I wanted to do, was those bodybuilding ones. Perfect cover, I thought. Just pick some musclebound hunks… Actually, that’s not true. Actually, it was one musclebound hunk in particular, one guy that I found down around Hollywood Boulevard, one night when I was out cruising for a hustler.

Pepper and I were married by that time, you understand. Don’t get me wrong, that gal is a wonderful woman. Yeah, Pepper’s got it all over me, when it comes to balls, when it comes to energy… Everything except brains, and there I still have the advantage. …A little advantage, anyway. Pepper’s got the stuff the pioneers were made of. Put her at the front of a wagon train, or, you know, taking a punk-ass kid-photographer and ex-boxer who’s maybe still a little punch-drunk, and making a success at something with them… Believe me, I _never_ mean to disparage Pepper, no matter what I say.

I used to cruise Hollywood Boulevard a lot, back then. Still do. Got the perfect cover, don’t I? “Hi, I’m looking for a model, you ever thought you might want to try modeling?” Cop stops me, one of those undercover guys they’ve got working Vice? Hey, my business is perfectly legal. I am a legitimate businessman, I am bringing revenue to the City of Angels. “Hey, you ever wanted to be a model? You want to go back to my studio and I’ll take a few pictures?” I got girls that way, but not very many of them. Mostly, I wanted guys, seemed like after a while, that was all I would go there looking for.

Oh, and I’ve found some doozies that way too. I mean for the business. Guys out… You don’t find ‘em right on Hollywood, you’ve got to look at the side streets. …Those are the cream of the crop of your homosexual men that you find out there. Handsome boys, kids that got seduced by that old dream of making it big in Hollywood, and the ones that looked in the mirror, told themselves, “Somebody’s got to be willing pay for all this.” Lot of times they don’t think they’re homosexual, but they will be if you pay ‘em enough. And sometimes I did hire them to be models, some of them. And that was where I found the guy that was the inspiration for us getting into _male_ photography.

Thor Odinson… You heard of him? He could have been anything, that one… You want to talk about what he _could_ have done? Got a call from Warhol, just the other day: “Hey, Stark, big admirer, always loved your work. Say, you know where I could get hold of that hunky blond one, that Thor?”

Thor’s in New Mexico now, of all places. He’s settled down, married to this chick… Hear she doesn’t know anything about what he was before he married her.

…Yeah, but that night when I found him… Just off Hollywood, I found him, little side street by the name of Selma, and I saw him going by… If you’ve seen him? All the muscles, and that blond, blond hair? And he had it long even then… Well, for the time it was long. This was 1960, I think, what did we know from long hair back then? This was greaser-hair. Kid had this beautiful mop of blond curls, and he’s slicked it back into a DA like Elvis. And I saw him… Instantly, I flashed on those beefcake magazines, and I wanted to take photographs…

Wanted to do a little more than take photographs, if you get my drift, but that would do for a start. Yeah, that would do just fine.

…So I see Thor… He’s walking around out there with another fellow. …You seen _Midnight Cowboy_ yet? Great film, by the way, you should take a look at it. …But you’ve seen the posters, right? Ones where what’s-his-name that played Joe Buck is standing there in the middle of the city, Dustin Hoffman right next to him, only coming up to his shoulder. That’s how it was that night, Thor was out there with another fellow, skinnier, shorter. Other fellow turned out to be Loki. Remember that name, it’s going to be important later on in the story.

But that night I was just thinking about Thor. You know how crazy that seems when I think about it now? Lot of water under the bridge since then, and Thor’s moved away… I guess you could say he’s gone straight, and he’s making a go of it too, more power to him. And Loki… Aww Jesus… If I knew then, what I know now… But hindsight’s 20-20, they say, no good looking back and regretting a lot of decisions that were the best you could make ‘em, back then.

…Anyway, that night all I saw was Thor. …And it was a cold night, that part was just like _Midnight Cowboy_ too. And Thor was out there, he was wearing this Marlon Brando black leather jacket, probably passed for cool back in Podunk, Whatever-It-Was, where he came from. And Loki right next to him, he was wearing… I don’t remember what Loki was wearing. I wasn’t looking at him, remember I told you that?

…Anyway, I gave him the standard model-spiel. Never can tell who’s a cop and who isn’t. You think LAPD doesn’t send their best out to get me? Think they wouldn’t like to see me busted? This blot on their city, this embarrassment to the fair community that brought you Fatty Arbuckle raping a girl to death, brought you Lupe Velez, who drowned in her own vomit, and… What was his name? Beautiful, golden film star… Wallace Reid… Died of drug addiction before he was 30, 1922 I think that was. …Yeah, but I’m the one that’s the blot on the community, you just ask the LAPD about that.

So I was talking about Thor, right? How I pull up next to him, give him the standard spiel. How he asks real street-smart, “How much? What do you want me to do?” They learn to ask that right away, because of course they have to be careful too. Never can tell which of the cars that stop for you might be someone from Vice.

So of course we’re both being careful. I’m like, “Just some pictures. _Legitimate_ pictures. We’ll see what happens after that.” I’m telling him, “I’ll make it worth your while if you come with me.”

And that’s when he says it. He says, “You’ve got to use my brother too.”

And that was when I took my first look at Loki, and believe me, I didn’t think anything of him at the time. God, under that streetlight on Selma Avenue? Light shining down on a DA worse than Thor’s, only at least Thor was dressed to fit the part? Loki’s in this big coat. This bulky, puffy thing, like a kid’s coat. Like something you dress Junior in before you send him out into the snow, and he was little even back then, even before everything…

…Yeah, I looked at him under that streetlight, all I saw was the coat, and the haircut. I just saw the externals, if you know what I mean, and believe me, I didn’t think anything. But I wanted Thor. The more I stayed there and got a good load of him, the more I was wanting him, I would have done anything by that point. And I say, “Your brother? Fine. Get in.” Then we drove back to the studio because I wanted to get all the pictures I could, in case Thor changed his mind later.


	4. Thor and Loki

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to apologize to the readers who read Chapter 4 yesterday. I woke up in the middle of the night last night and I realized I'd left out half of what makes Thor and Loki's relationship what it is. I got the love in there, but I left the rivalry out, and then this morning I pulled down Old-4 and redid so I could get both of them.
> 
> Mandatory 24-hour wait-period before I post anything more to this story. TonyxLoki, being my OTP, comes pretty naturally to me, but ThorxLoki? Not so much.

You’ve seen Thor, right? Didn’t you say you’d seen him? Hell, I don’t remember. Thor’s like a Greek god, is what he looks like. He’s like some kind of god, I don’t know. Those shoulders of his, and that chest… God, all the muscles, tapering down, that ridged stomach, and that tight little waist, and those legs that just go on and on forever. …And the ass on him, real little bubble-butt... And it’s all muscle, that’s the best part. Some guys, you strip ‘em down and you can see the fat on there, but Thor? He just keeps getting better and better.

Of course I had to get that leather jacket off him, and those hoodlum-clothes. After I got him back to the studio, you understand… Him and his brother Loki, that I still thought was just a nothing. As in, I literally saw no use for that kid. I mean, I had him there in the car, but I was thinking, “Well, I’ll bring him along for Thor’s sake, maybe after I do the shots with his brother, I can generate a little heat between them, little _friction_ if you know what I mean, maybe I can salvage a little bit out of this that way.”

But remember, I was still pretty new at this… Didn’t think I was of course. God, if you listened to me talking? I was Mr. Big-Shot, I was Mr. King of Porn, to hear me talk about it, I was the one that knew everything.

…I didn’t know diddly-squat. Standard operating procedure is you always take the photos first. Then you decide if he’s good-looking or not after you’ve gotten a look at them. You think Clark Gable looked like anything when he walked into MGM for the first time? Think Greta Garbo looks like a star when you see her on the street? All the really great ones, they’re all the same…

Let me tell you a story: See, there was this fellow, used to run a stable of actors back in the 50’s. I don’t remember his name, Wilson or something. He had all these guys working for him, all these good-looking, really young guys. Couple of ‘em went on to be famous, Rock Hudson was with him at the beginning, and you know he’s still a big name. Rest of ‘em were a bunch of nobodies, and you know why? Because they all looked the same, that’s why. All looked the same, and all their names were the same. Wilson would get them and he’d change their names. Harold would become Tab, and Joe would become Guy, or Dirk, or whatever. All these interchangeable faces, on these interchangeable bodies, and these interchangeable names… Because Wilson was picking the ones that looked good to him, right? He was creating his own fantasy, he wasn’t waiting to see what they had going for themselves.

Not that they had anything of course, not those guys. Loki though… God, oh god, oh _Jesus_ … Right up to the end, too, I mean I could have taken him… If I’d gotten to him in time, I mean… God, the times I’ve cleaned that kid up. “Straighten up and fly right,” I’d tell him, and I’d give him something… Black coffee is what I would want to give him, but a lot of times that wasn’t enough. There’ve been times I brought him to my own house, I’ve delayed shooting plenty of times, long enough so I could clean Loki up and get him ready to go in front of the camera. You better believe Pepper kicked up a fuss when I did that, but it was worth it, because he was the best. Bar none, he was the best, Thor can’t hold a candle to him.

Anyway, it’s not like I ever _did_ anything with him at the house. We kept that stuff strictly off-site, if you know what I mean, and mostly only right after shooting, when we were both so horny… When I was horny, I should say. Worst thing about heroin is what it does to your libido… Heroin, or horse, or H, whatever the kids are calling it now.

…God, I’m rambling, aren’t I? Get a guy drunk, and look what spills out. By the way, you want another one? I’m having one. Signal the bartender, will you?

…What was I talking about? Right, that first night with Loki and Thor. And Thor was like a god. Literally, there was no angle at which he didn’t look perfect. I took so many pictures of him that night. And they were _gold_ , all of them, just pure, pure gold, and they’re still selling, right up until today.

But then, Loki? Here’s what happened, it was weird. Because remember, he was sporting that DA hoodlum-hairstyle when I picked him up, same as his brother was. I couldn’t do much with either of them, until I got all that stuff washed out of there, all that greasy kid-stuff they were wearing. And Thor showered first, and he came on out. I took some pictures… Well, lots and lots of them. And Loki just watched. And he was eating these sandwiches I made in the kitchen, he was drinking the coffee I made for ‘em. And then what happened afterward was pure magic. I still don’t know how I thought of it…

No, what it was, was genius, of course. Because there are some guys that will just do the job the way it’s listed, right? What separates the geniuses from the other ones is when they add that little something extra. Like that night, when somehow I thought to go into the bathroom while Loki was showering…

Nice big bathroom… Place we use as our studio is what you call a Mother-in-Law addition. It’s a little… Well, like a house, is what it is, like a small house. Only this one was built with a lot of amenities, I guess the fellow that built it must have worried a lot about pleasing his mother in-law. His wife was a shrew, probably, and she made him. …Anyway, the bathroom in there is something to die for, it was even before we added on to it in ‘68. And the shower in there? One of these ones with the glass walls on three side, glass door with these fishies etched on it, and these bubbles and shit.

You could see through the door, is what I’m getting at. I went in there and I could see Loki, through the shower door. I could see his body, which was longer than I was expecting, and more muscle-y too. It was a gymnast’s body, see, you know how they’re real lithe, and everything comes together so tidy. No showiness there, not much definition if you know what I mean, but everything there? I’ll tell you, that was one prime body I saw in that shower, and he was… Oh, I don’t think he could have been more than 17 back then, so there he was, just this gorgeous kid… Just this incredibly gorgeous, perfect kid…

Well I had my camera with me of course, and right then it flashed on me: Why didn’t I take some pictures of him in there, you know, just to see how they came out? Didn’t even have to develop those things, I just looked through the viewfinder and I knew I’d struck pure gold. Thor was something special, but this kid was like special squared. And I asked him to start posing, you know, directing him a little? God, he was a natural everything came so easy to him, like he was born for the camera.

Like he’d been searching for a camera all his life, that’s how it was, like my camera was the lover he’d been looking for… More truth in _that_ than I like to think about, even now, but that’s another story.

I’m talking about that night, right now, about that first night when I took Thor and Loki to the studio, started their careers for them, and shot mine straight up into the stratosphere into the bargain. And first I took a roll of just Loki, then I asked him if it was okay with him if we had Thor in there too. And he was okay with it, more than that it’s like he knew that was what he needed to make the whole scene perfect. He was so… God, what word would you use? Malleable maybe? Only no, because it wasn’t me molding him that night, it was like he was molding himself. Like he was making himself into what the camera wanted him to be, right there before my eyes… God, you think Warhol liked Thor? Jesus, if he could have gotten his hands on Loki…

But of course Loki was a superstar right from the start, he didn’t need some white-haired New York queen to make him one.

…Anyway, that night was something special. And first I took the pictures of Loki, and they were primo. Quality stuff, I’m telling you… Have you seen them? I can set you up. …I shot a couple rolls where it was just him, then I called his brother in there… And the two of them were buck-naked of course, and you know, neither of them had a problem with that. Exhibitionists, both of them; because that’s half of what makes a guy a star in this business. You should have seen ‘em, both of them naked, and strutting around. Real cock of the walk, real BMOC, if you know what I mean.

…By the way, speaking of cocks? Thor’s was _phenomenal_. One of the best I’ve ever seen, and believe me, I’ve seen a lot of ‘em. Loki’s was just a little bit… Not that I ever told him that… Couldn’t you know, you know how brothers are. Hear me tell it, they were gods among men, both of them, which of course they were, it’s just that Thor was a little bit… You know, there was just a teensy bit _more_ of him, in certain places. …Not that Loki wasn’t incredible of course, because he was, just you know, nobody's perfect.

Anyway, I got Thor in there, right? Buck-naked? …Got him in, explained what I wanted him to do. He didn’t have a problem with it… Did I mention there was kind of a weird vibe between the two of them? Something kind of… I don’t know…

Got Thor in, told him, “Get under the water.” And he did. And I told him to soap his brother, and he did that… God, those were some good shots. …Told Loki to soap Thor. God, Loki’s hands, all over that muscly chest of his brother’s, and the soapsuds on those nipples of his, and Loki’s fingers, running up and down that washboard-stomach. And then Loki leaned in, he started kissing him too… And Thor really got into it. He was leaning back, he was closing his eyes. That guy’s just like a cat, he loves being touched all over. Which I have also discovered first-hand, if you know what I mean.

…So I had Thor in there, he was pretty much purring at that point. He was _digging_ it, is what I mean, if you get my drift. And Loki? God, I only had to say a word. He picked up on everything I said to him. …No, that’s not right. That doesn’t say it right, it doesn’t describe what was between us… 

Dietrich and Von Sternberg, that was us, I mean, it felt like that sometimes. Oh god, oh Christ… There are going to be other actors, but there will _never_ be another Loki, and I let him… I just let him fucking…

 _Christ_.

…Anyway, where was I? Loki and his brother? It wasn’t their first time together, I could see that just by looking. They knew each other… I mean _really_ knew each other, in the Biblical sense, if you know what I mean. And I told Loki, “Blow him,” and Loki’s in there like a pro, he’s blowing him right away. 

…And I got so many pictures, oh, Jesus Christ, those pictures. Loki running his tongue over his brother’s balls, and Loki deep-throating him, and it looks like he’s been waiting all his life to do it. …Which he hadn’t, because it wasn’t his first time of course, like I told you.

I got all these shots, all these great, great shots of the two of them together. All these shots of Loki, with his mouth on his brother, and all these reaction-shots where you could see how much Thor was loving it. And then after that, because that worked out so well, so then I call out, “Hey Loki, why don’t you brown him…”

You familiar with what it means when you brown someone? You know, penetration? Taking it up the ass, as it were? You are, aren’t you? Didn’t you say you were into this stuff?

…I call out, “Brown him, Loki,” and he was all for it. It was Thor that drew the line at that one, said he never took it up the ass, if that was a requirement of this, well then he was out of here. Some people just have to preserve their macho exterior.

But you know, I was cool about it. Because I had to be, because there was no way in hell I was letting my two little prize cash-cows out of there before I had to. So I say, “Loki?” And he looks at me like…

Someday I will know what that look was that was on Loki’s face when I said it, I mean someday I will really understand it. Like, angry maybe? Only that’s not right. Or just… Yeah, what it was, was like he got really tired for a minute, just really, really tired. But then it wipes away and his face goes smooth. And he turns, he puts his hands on the wall of the shower, turns his ass sort of upward, you know, getting it so Thor could get in there better. Looked like he’d had experience doing that before too… Yeah, don’t let anyone say that relationship wasn’t weird, because it was.

…Anyway, he’s there under the spray… Under the cold spray by that time, because our hot water heater only holds so much, but Loki’s a pro… He _was_ a pro, I mean. God, he was good. He was the best, bar none. There will never be another one like him.

…So yeah, he lets his brother do what he wants with him… What I wanted him to do with him. …And Thor takes him like he’s had plenty of experience doing it, which, for all I know, he probably did. And at first he’s real rough, and then he’s going at it all gentle-like. And pleasure on his face… I got some pictures that really showed that, some really good pictures. 

And Loki? God, I wish I knew what it was between the two of them. I wish I could know what Loki felt about… Well, anything really. He was the consummate professional. He was what I needed him to be, that was it, that’s all it ever was. …And then when I think that, you know, that’s when I have to change my mind and think different. Because some of it had to be true, right? No one’s a liar all the time. But if it was true… If any of it was true… Which parts were true, that’s what really gets me. Was it the parts with him and his brother? Or what he had with me later on?

I don’t know, maybe it was none of it. Maybe he really was just that good. …Which of course makes it all the more of a tragedy what happened to him. God, the ultimate tragedy, the loss of a star, that shines in the sky, and burns out too soon. 

…Yeah I know, it’s just porn, just filthy stuff for guys to look at when they can’t get some real action. Catch me, trying to turn it into the romance of the century. Hey, where’s that bartender, by the way? Haven’t we been waiting about an hour? God, a guy could die of thirst around here.


	5. Pepper and Thor, Happy and Thor, Tony and Thor, and Loki and Tony

Of course Pepper had Thor. You think I cared? You’ve got to develop an attitude in this business, see sex doesn’t matter. What is sex really? It’s just bodies, just skin against skin, just swapping bodily fluids. Sex doesn’t mean anything, is what I’m saying. Anybody can have sex with anybody, and Pepper fucked Thor, and I fucked Thor… And I know Happy fucked Thor, because at least one of the times, I was there taking pictures.

Which was something to write home about, by the way, the photo-shoot, I mean. Because you remember, I told you, Thor’s first photo session was with Loki? And that one went… Well I’m not going to lie to you, that one went fucking fantastic, and a lot of that was the quality of the photography. I’m nothing to sneeze at even on my worst days, but with those two? …With either of the Odinson brothers, but especially the times when it was both of them together? Those times it’s like I was inspired. 

I swear to you, someday my stuff is going to hang in art museums. You think I’m crazy? You’ve seen the stuff Warhol calls art, haven’t you? Pictures of soup cans? Hourlong movies, and it’s just nothing but two people fucking, or a couple of guys talking about a street hustler? Yeah, the walls are coming down. And you can like it or you can lump it, but that’s reality: Art’s porn, and porn’s art, and nothing matters any more, it’s just the quality of the workmanship. Guy like Warhol, all he’s got is the image. Just this skinny guy, dyed white hair, and he’s prancing around, “Oh, I’m Andy Warhol, I’m a fucking genius, man.” Yeah, fuck that. His stuff’s art? Yeah, then my stuff’s double-art, or triple-art even, on my very best days.

…Yeah, where was I? Thor and Happy, right? Yeah, the thing with putting Happy in there was it changed the dynamic. It turned tops into bottoms… Are you familiar with that terminology?

You are, aren’t you? Didn’t you say you liked this stuff?

Yeah, Happy being older than everyone else, being kind of rough-hewn, kind of an ex-pug, nose’s been broken a few times kind of a vibe… Rough trade’s the word for that in the business. …Him being rough trade, and a little bit older and stuff, he was always a natural for being the top, whoever we put him with. Thor was the one who could go both ways… Although he did put up a little bit of a fight, the first time I made him bottom for Happy.

That was one helluva photo session. That one was a classic. Maybe six months after the first session, the one with Loki, and they were both coming in pretty regular by then. What you’ve got to understand, see, is this is still pretty much of a walk-in/walk-out kind of a business. As in, the models come in, they pose, then the next day they’re back doing whatever. And maybe that’s going to change now that dirty movies are starting to get big, but you know what? I doubt it. Hustlers are hustlers, they’re always going to be hustlers. And besides, let’s get real here: We’re not talking major movie studios doing this stuff, most of it’s just these little operations. Mine’s a little bigger than most, mostly because of me, because I consistently produce quality product (and maybe Pepper helps a little bit, with the business end), but come on, even so? We’re not M G Fuckin’ M here, is what I’m saying.

So yeah, Thor and Loki were coming in pretty regular by this time, and what’s more? Where it really started to get good? I was like their impresario for a while there, you know, like their Svengali? Told ‘em what to wear, how long to let their hair grow and so on. Hey, don’t look at me. Somebody had to do it, those two were like babes in the woods when they got to L.A. I took ‘em in, gave ‘em good advice. “Grow your hair long,” I said to Thor, and he did. And, I said to Loki…

No, let’s be real here, Loki never needed me to tell him anything, Loki _knew_. God, his instinct was better than mine, if it just hadn’t been for that self-destructive thing…

But we were talking about Thor and Happy. Yeah, that was a classic photo-shoot. If there’s anyone Thor could have looked little next to, it would have been Happy. And young? And inexperienced? He was a baby, next to Happy, just your classic boy, being educated in the ways of men. And so what if he didn’t like it completely? – I mean him having to be the bottom, you understand, because of course I would never have let there be any real force or anything. – As I was saying, so what if he didn’t like it, that just added to the edge that we had there.

Just this rough, raw, angry edge. Big guy roughing the little guy up a little, and he… You know, scarred hand grabbing the kid by the long blond hair, holding him in place until he gets himself off, etcetera. Big guy’s back, Navy tattoo just barely visible, and the ass-muscles going tighter, softer, tighter, softer, and so on, while he takes the kid hard. God, a guy could get off just thinking about that, couldn’t he? You think I don’t know my clientele? And that was the first time I did Thor and Hap together, and then after Thor saw how popular those were, that’s when he started reconciling himself, and he was on for a few more sessions, if you know what I mean.

And yeah, he and Pepper fucked a few times... That I know of, and there had to be some more times besides that. Like I said, it doesn’t matter. Flesh is flesh, and desire’s desire. You’re going to complain just because she desire’s somebody else’s flesh besides yours? Does it matter, as long as the love’s still there between you? …Or, you know, as long as there’s some kind of bond between you, some kind of important bond, which there is, and there will always be, between me and Pepper?

…Anyway, she never fucked Loki, I know that for sure.

Funny thing with Loki, you know? Because his whole career, he looked like your standard bottom. I mean, he was built like a bottom, if you see what I mean, just that slight, slight, younger-man build. And his face was a younger man’s face, real fine-drawn, pretty almost, and with those big, impossibly big green eyes of his. …And the hair was part of it too, like the contrast of it, you know, like, real dark hair, almost black, against his skin, that stayed pale no matter how much sun he got.

God, if I could have kept that kid indoors all the time, he would have been a gold mine. …Even more than he was, I mean. Of course if I’d had that kind of control over Loki, there are way more important things I would have used it for, but I didn’t, see? I never controlled him, not even the little bit that I was controlling his brother there for a while. It’s like he wouldn’t let me, like there was this independence, deep down inside him, and he never would let anyone else control him ever. …Well you know, not after he got out from under his brother’s control he didn’t, anyway.

But I was talking about fucking him, wasn’t I? I mean, that’s where I was going with it. And yeah, Pepper never fucked Loki, not once, I’m sure I would have known about it. And Happy never did either… You know, looking back, that was a real missed opportunity for me. I’ll bet they would have been incredible together, like Happy and Thor, revved up to the nth level, like the ultimate in what you can do with a Big Guy forcing a Little Guy.

…If, you know, if Loki would have consented. Which he probably wouldn’t have, because here’s what I’m trying to get at here. What I’ve been _trying_ to get at, only you know, it gets harder and harder being clear about stuff, when I’ve been drinking. But of course that’s just my body getting older. People do get old, it’s part of life. Way better than the alternative anyway, that’s for sure. Way better than what had to go and happen to Loki.

…Where was I? Yeah that’s right, _independence_. Yeah, Loki was really independent, and he was always a top. With everyone except Thor he was a top, and even there, after a while, he got so he was resisting it, and it got harder and harder to set up a photo session with the two of them. And me, I’ve always thought of myself as a top too, but I wasn’t with Loki, and you know what? I really didn’t care at all. And part of that was because Loki _had_ what it took. What I’m trying to say is, he gave it to you, you _knew_ you were getting something, and that’s not really an issue of size, it’s more about the power.

…But it was more than that, it was always more than that with Loki. It was… I don’t know. To say that I loved him… Well, I did love him. You always love your creations, right? And in a real way, I kind of created both of them. But it was more than that with Loki. Partly it was just the genius of him, because he was a genius, and who doesn’t love a genius, if they’re ever lucky enough to work with one? And it was more than that still, it was… Aww Jesus, ask me sometime when I haven’t been drinking and I might be able to tell you. …If you can find me sometime when I haven’t been drinking, I mean.

…Yeah, Loki… He had what Marilyn Monroe had, what Garbo has, or I don’t know, Judy Garland maybe. Like, this star level of magnetism, like, you look at them and you just can’t look away. …Level of magnetism where it doesn’t matter whether you’re a man, or a woman, or what you are, level of magnetism where you see them, and you’re going to want to get close to them, only you can’t get close to them, it’s like nobody can. Maybe they couldn’t draw you in like that if you really could get close, maybe that’s the appeal.

I sure tried hard to get close to Loki. Lots and lots of times, in bed, and out of bed too. I bought him stuff, tried to put him up in his own apartment… Because the bedroom in the studio wasn’t good enough, see. We used to let a lot of the models use that, still do, the ones we can trust not to rob us blind while we’re asleep. Loki though, right off the bat I offered him his own place. Place in North Hollywood near the studio, then when that wasn’t good enough, I said, “What about Encino?” I went up as far as the Hollywood Hills, I would have gotten him one of those places on stilts, overlooks a canyon, costs you an arm and a leg just for the security deposit alone, and you can’t get in without at least a year’s lease on it. He never so much as looked interested, because that’s the kind of guy he was, he was independent.

And god oh god, how I used to wish I had him close, just so I could hold onto him, stop him rushing headlong straight into destruction. But of course you can’t do that, can you? You can never do that, it has to come from inside the person himself.


	6. Sif and Thor, Sif and Loki, Loki and Tony

God, how long have we been in here? And you know I was planning on getting some shit done today? I mean, you’d think I could set my hours, right? Head of the company, I mean I am the boss…

I don’t know, maybe Pepper’s the boss, but I’m definitely the brains behind the operation. You know, it never used to be a problem until now? These days, I don’t know, it’s like everything is a problem, like I can’t wake up, then when I do, it’s like the whole day is a burden, stretching out in front of me. And you know what? It all started with Loki, and that means it goes back to… Aww Jesus, how many good years did I ever even have?

Okay, well the thing with Loki, is it was like he had a wall around him. Maybe more like there was a shell. I used to think all I had to do was get that shell off, and he’d be okay. …No, not just okay, I thought everything would be great. I mean, it was no big mystery, he had that brother complex, and that’s got to come from the parents, right? I mean, Big Brother’s the hero, Baby’s the zero, who teaches the kids it’s like that? Think they make that shit up on their own? Somewhere along the line, Mommy and Daddy taught Thor that he mattered more than anyone else, I don’t think it was conscious or intentional or anything, it’s just how he was. But that’s also why he was able to make it out in one piece.

You know who else made it out in one piece? There was this girl they brought in one time. …Well, I say they brought her in one time, but for a while there she was coming in pretty regular. Her stuff’s still in the catalogs, it sells pretty good. Cute little dark-haired number named Sif, you seen any of her stuff?

Yeah, Thor brought Sif in pretty early on, like practically at the beginning of when he was coming in, him and his brother. He brought her in… Say, did I tell you what was the story with him and his brother? I did, didn’t I?

I don’t know, maybe I didn’t. I’ll tell you now, how about that? See, the thing with them, is they shouldn’t have been on the street. Because most of your street kids, it’s because no one cares about them, but those two had good parents, they had caring parents. At least they did for a while, the thing was, Mommy died, and then their dad just… I don’t know the whole story with their dad. Maybe he had a nervous breakdown or something, anyway he was there for them, then somewhere along the line he wasn’t any more, and then there was no money, and there was nothing for them, and they were having to take care of themselves.

Two half-grown kids taking care of themselves, what else were they supposed to do but go out on the street to do it? What kind of jobs do you think there are out there for an underage kid? Maybe they were supposed to get a paper route? Pay their rent with money from mowing lawns?

…Anyway, Sif was another street-kid that they’d met… I don’t know, somewhere along the line. Wasn’t _on_ the street that they met her, I know that because your boy-hustlers and your girl-hustlers, they work different areas, you know? I mean, when a guy’s looking for tail, he’s got specific needs, right? Either he wants a girl, or he wants a guy, he doesn’t want both. …Well, I do, but that’s different, that’s for the business. 

…Yeah, I think they knew Sif from before, she was from their home town, or they grew up with her, I don’t remember the whole story. Anyway, Thor brought her in one day, he’s like, “You use girls too, right?”

And of course I go, “Yeah, we use girls.” Hell, even if we hadn’t? Sif was some looker, back then. She was what you call the girl next door type, you know, not much there but what there is, is choice? Hefner would have paid big bucks for that girl, and there she was, just dropping in my lap? You better believe I used girls, especially when the girls looked like that, and I took her in…

What a wet day that was, one of those late-November, rainy days hell, it seems like it rained all winter, that year. 1960, that was, I remember that because Kennedy had just gotten elected. It’s like the whole mood of the country was changing, and styles were changing, for men and for women. And I remember I looked at Sif, and I thought, “Audrey Hepburn,” I thought, “Jackie Kennedy.”

And I dressed her that way, posed her just as classy as I could make her. You can do nudie-pics classy, it just takes some imagination. Think, _Breakfast at Tiffany’s_ , think what happened after the last scene was over, or what the George Peppard character wanted to have happen. Think, if you got Jackie Kennedy alone, what would you want to do with her?

…God, those were some great pictures. That first photo-shoot? Especially the ones where it was Thor and Sif in them? Those worked, because Thor had that clean-cut, George Peppard/John Kennedy vibe going on with him. Took some manipulating with Sif, because she was more of a fighter, but hell, that was her _face_. Nobody buys nudie-pics so they can look at the faces. And I tarted the bedroom up in there, made it look as classy as possible. Went and got some of the linens out of my own bedroom, the expensive ones, the ones Pepper likes. Got some of Pepper’s lingerie too… You now for a broad that got her start in a strip club in Vegas, Pepper really has taken to the high life.

…Put Thor in undershorts for those pictures… You think John Kennedy didn’t wear shorts? …Clean white undershorts, and the cleanest, crispest white dress shirt out of my closet. And I folded some of my dress-slacks over the chair at the vanity table, angled the mirror on that thing so you were seeing the action from two angles at once.

You know who helped me with that? That would be Loki. Another thing he was getting good at by then, was composition. Jesus Christ, the world lost something special, when he…

Never mind, where was I? Those pictures I took with Thor and Sif were like pictures right out of Camelot. They were like pictures right out of the Kennnedys’ bedroom, like Jack and Jackie get naked, and let you see everything they do together. Only thing that would have made those better was if I could have managed a threesome, Jesus Christ, can you imagine if I’d had a blonde to put with them? Platinum blonde, like a Marilyn Monroe-type, just picture it, will you? But it was raining so bad that day that nobody else came in, it was just the three of them and me.

And I did think about putting Loki in with them, but it wouldn’t have worked. He didn’t have that Kennedy thing going on. He was always a scrapper, no privileged, Prince Beautiful look about him. You want to compare it to the election, he was the Dick Nixon character, only, you know, like a good-looking Dick Nixon? If you can imagine such a thing?

…I did some pictures where it was just him and Sif, and those were… Well later we did some better ones. Those we took that day sold, but they weren’t… I don’t know, it was probably because we used the same backdrop the Camelot one. Loki and Sif had this in common, they were both scrappers. It was like wild animals, when you got those two together, and that can be pretty attractive, it just doesn’t work so well when you go and plunk them down in John Kennedy’s bedroom.

So like I told you, I did some later where it was the two of them, and they turned out great. And Loki helped me plan those too, he helped me with the set-up and everything… You know, I won’t deny he was sexy, because he was, but I think what did it for me? What really got me hung up on him so bad? I think it was the brains, and the imagination. Let’s face it, sexy bodies are a dime a dozen in this business.

Why did I start talking about Sif? Yeah, I was just going to say she got out in one piece, that was all, that’s really her whole story. Cute little number, that had somehow ended up so far down that turning tricks on the street looked like a step up. And Thor brought her in, he was like, “You use girls too, right?” And I used her, I created these dual personas. She was Jackie Kennedy, class all the way with Thor, and they were crazy-hot together, I’ll give ‘em that, but I think she was even hotter with Loki. And those two were like two fighters, there was this feral edge to them together, so they were hot but also a little bit scary…

Here, look at this. Yeah, I keep some of my own pictures, why would that surprise you? And no, this isn’t one of the ones where it’s all men, or only men, and yeah, that’s Loki and Sif. I don’t know what it is about this one, I mean, it’s not even explicit. I don’t know what it is, it just seems to me sometimes… You remember when I said Loki had a wall around him? Is it crazy for me to think Sif was the one who found a way out from behind her wall?

She’s free now, she’s up in Washington with a women’s commune, if you want to know the details. Rug-munchers, that’s who they are that she’s with, but what the hell, who am I to judge? Different strokes for different folks, that’s what I always say, and so what if they’re rug-munchers, if that’s what makes her happy, I am all for it.

…Yeah, Loki never found a way out from behind his wall, and I think that’s what killed him. And I used to wish so badly, that I could help him find the way, but you know what? I think I was just part of the problem.


	7. Loki and Tony, Pepper and Happy

You want another drink? I’m buying. Hey, you’re not going, are you? You’re gonna leave me all alone to cry in my beer? Listen, a guy needs some company, there’s times when you get to thinking, and it seems like it’s all you can do just to keep on keeping on. …Yeah, that’s better. Hey, you’re a prince. Listen, anything you want. The world’s your oyster. I’m loaded, didn’t I tell you so? And I don’t just mean the booze. I _have_ money. My money, Pepper’s money. Community property, baby, maybe I’m not pulling my weight right now, but that’ll change. It’ll change soon…

I was talking about Loki, wasn’t I? Just like always, I’m always talking about him, either that or I’m… I don’t know, I’m thinking about him anyway.

…Yeah, _Loki_. He was picky, right? Did I tell you that already? God, that kid was so picky. You know I never would have thought I’d work with someone who was that picky? I mean, he was a model. You know how easy it is to get another model? Dime a dozen, that’s what they are. Go out on Hollywood Boulevard any day, or you know, you can always pick up someone on Pershing Square. Not hustlers on the Square, it’s the faggots you find there, but what’s the difference? It’s a new world, baby, world of free love, do your own thing… It’s my world, boundaries are crumbling, and people are doing whatever. Doin’ What Comes Naturally, as the song puts it. 

Hey, remember that movie? Betty Hutton was in that one, and believe me, a homelier piece of ass you never saw, but you know there’s a story about that movie? Story goes, they were going to cast Judy Garland in it… Have you heard this story?

…They were going to cast Garland see, only she was hitting the drugs really bad at the time. That was legal prescription stuff she was taking. Judy’s always been a pillhead, you telling me you hadn’t heard that? And they had her pretty well cast for the part in that movie, she was going to play the girl. What’s she called? That’s right, Annie Oakley. She was going to play Annie Oakley, and I heard they even did a screen test of her. Well it was completely unwatchable, is what I heard, she was just too far gone, like, she could hardly even stand up, she was so wasted.

I don’t know why I started talking about that. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, that’s right, the faggots on the Square: It’s not all queens, you know, there’s prime, macho-looking meat out there too, just ripe for the taking. And of course these days kids’ll do whatever. Just give ‘em… I don’t know, some reefer maybe? Hell, half the time you don’t have to do that. You get ‘em in there, they will give you an _orgy_. Just turn the camera on ‘em, and they’ll to town… Lot of exhibitionists on the streets nowadays. Hey, who am I to talk? If it feels good do it, I always say.

But Loki was picky. He was picky right from the git go, and of course that was my fault, and I knew it. The others, I treated like models, okay? But Loki?

…And of course I told Pep it was because he was worth it, and he was, don’t get me wrong. God, that kid. You couldn’t shoot that kid wrong, there was literally no way. Every pose, and every angle, and whatever I would do with the light, and you know, whatever lens I had on the camera… It was real art stuff, all of it. 

God, don’t get me started about art. Believe me, I know how that word gets tossed around in this industry. Hell, give a faggot a camera, couple of models ready to take their clothes off, whatever he gets, he’s going to call it art. Lot of dumb jocks out of, I don’t know, Bellflower? Lakewood? Garden Grove? Dumb jocks, they think they’re hot stuff, and they want to show off for everybody. Or you’ll get the sailors that are on leave, you know, your Marines and shit. And that’s not counting your professional hustlers. 

…Anyway, you give a faggot a camera, that’s what I was saying. Next thing you know, he’s going to be finding himself a column, he’s going to be putting guys into posing straps, setting them up next to the column and snapping the hell out of that camera. It’s going to be Pygmalion-and-his-Statue, it’s going to be Narcissus-Looks-Into-the-Pool, or Saint-Sebastian-Taking-the-Arrows-Up-the-Ass or whatever. Lot of pretentious horsehit, you think putting a posing strap on the star quarterback from Brea High makes him all of a sudden “art”? Fuck that, half the time it doesn’t even make him good-looking. But Loki’s stuff was art. And you know really quick, he was doing a lot of the work on it, himself. How could you not fall for a guy like that, I’m asking you? When he’s smart, and talented, and like I said, when he was so fuckin’ drop-dead gorgeous.

You know what I remember when I think of Loki? God, this one photo-shoot we did… And that was in ’66 … I think. …It was in ’66, December, and we were off-season, in this hotel down in Ensenada. Nice place. Real fancy. You should’ve seen it. And I was in the Presidential Suite, and I told Pepper it was because I was going to film in there, which of course was a complete lie. 

And she knew it was a lie. We had separate rooms on that trip. Are you kidding me? We were always in separate rooms at that point, that’s just how it was. And she’d have whoever in there with her, or she would have Happy…. She was with him a lot, still is for that matter. I don’t know what it is with those two, but do I look like I care? …And you know me, I had Loki in with me.

God, that was a gorgeous suite. You familiar with Mexico? Blue-and-white tiles in the bathroom? And the bedroom’s all this huge, fancy, carved-wood shit? God, just imagine a kid like Loki… Picture him. Go ahead. Just imagine that dark hair of his, against the white sheets. And his pale, pale body… Like ivory, he was, like fresh, new, clean ivory. …Imagine all that paleness, up against the dark wood, and he’s grabbing the bedpost, faced backward so you can see his ass. You said you’d seen the pictures, right? Because I took some, and they were great, but I'm telling you, they don't do justice to how he looked in there.

…Yeah, Ensenada. We went there, we were thinking we would shoot on the beach. You know, your nude beach, nature worship kind of stuff, right? You can sell that stuff anywhere. Photography magazines, or whatever. Get some girls, pose ‘em with their hair blowing and their titties swinging, and they’re just out tossing the volleyball around, out there in the altogether. Or you get some boys… You know how they grow ‘em down in Mexico. Real hunky, Aztec warrior kind of guys. Oil the chests on ‘em and pose ‘em with Loki and Thor… You can just picture it, can’t you?

Only it rained the whole time. And Jesus, you should’ve heard Pepper: “Tony, there’s a break in the clouds…” Which there wasn’t. The whole time. But there she’d go: “There’s a break in the clouds, Tony, get out there, Tony, what do you think we came down there for? Do you know how much this all cost?”

You know where I was though, right? In the suite with Loki, the whole time. We were in that bed… That big, beautiful bed… Don’t need sunshine to enjoy a bed, right? Don’t need warm weather, or senoritas with their bikinis off, or…

Don’t get me wrong. I have _done_ threesomes. I have done so many threesomes, you wouldn’t believe. But we were talking about this time. And I was with Loki, in that suite… He looked like a Spanish prince in there, it was scary how well he fit in. And you remember, I said he always had to be on the top, right? He never let me fuck him once, the whole time we were together. And usually I’m not a guy that will take it up the ass from another man, but I sure was with Loki.

And we were so good together there. And it was just the two of us. Him and me. Together. And it was so perfect, I’ve just got to stress that for you. It was like my whole life, I’d been waiting for that one moment, like it all just came together for me then or something, I don’t know what it was.

And he was just like a puppy. Playful? Are you kidding me? Spanish prince, being playful, on that big bed. Or in the bathtub… And what I remember best? This one night when we came home kind of late, late dinner in this restaurant in town. Roast abalone with garlic, and margaritas… God, we had so many margaritas. And we came back to the hotel. And Pepper was just wasted, she just went straight to her room with Happy, she didn’t even notice what I was doing. But me and Loki, we weren’t ready for bed yet. 

My god, that night… He was just like a dolphin, in that bathtub. …Like an otter, he was, those are the playful ones, right? And he looked like an otter, with his dark hair slicked back, and his nose was all crinkled with laughter. …And that green laughter-light in his eyes.

And he was telling me what to do... All that weekend, and… Well really, the whole time we were together, whole rest of his… I mean, until he… Anyway, he liked telling me what to do. It was like his whole life, he’d had to obey someone else, now he was the one giving orders. And I didn’t mind. Hell, up, down, or sideways, I would have done it with Loki, you think I cared that he liked to play those slave games? 

God yeah, he was the best. Always was, right up until the end, right up until he… You know sometimes I think it’s still hitting me, that I’m never going to see him again? Which is nuts of course, because there’s lots of smart kids out there. And lots of ass. Hell, I could get laid so easy. You give me the word, I’ll walk out the door. Bet I can score within a block of here. Hell, I’ll bet I could get a dozen guys right here in this bar. Just give me the word. ...And of course I’ve got Pepper.


	8. Loki and Tony

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No sex in this chapter. When I go back and edit the fuck out of this after I finish, I am probably going to remove the conceit of trying to mark the chapters according to who gets with whom in which one. It doesn't work with the way the story is going. For now though, it remains. Please bear with me.

Since when did this turn into The Tony Stark Confessional Hour? I’ll bet you’re sitting there, I’ll bet you’re expecting me to unload some kind of big revelation. Listen, what do you think I’m going to say? Think I’m going to say I gave him the drugs, don’t you? What’s that about, pal? Think just because I’m a pornographer, that means I don’t have any standards? Think I can’t tell right from wrong? Well that’s just a lot of shit, I didn’t give him the drugs, I didn’t give any of them any drugs.

I’m not talking about pot of course. Hell, pot’s no big deal. You know what really makes me laugh? You hear the straights talking… God, it’s hilarious, it’s the biggest fuckin’ laugh of the century. …Hear the straights: “Oh no, it’s _pot_ , it’s goddamn mother-fuckin’ _reefer madness_ …” Think the stuff’s a goddamn gateway drug. Whatever the _fuck_ that is. Hell, you want to talk about your gateway drug? I’ll tell you what’s a fuckin’ gateway drug. Fuckin’ booze, that’s a fuckin’ gateway drug, that’s the only fuckin’ gateway drug there is, because it’s the only one the straights say is okay, you dig me?

…Yeah, you hear _me_ talking against booze. Me, of all people, it’s a joke, right? But I’m not talking _against_ booze, I’m just talking reality, here. Which is something that keeps getting left out of these goddamn drug discussions any more. Lot of straights out there, talking about shit they don’t understand, but I have _been_ there baby, I know what I’m talking about.

And I’m here to tell you, there is no such thing as a fuckin’ gateway drug, that’s just a lot of straight-arrow FBI bullshit, that’s just an excuse to get the hippies behind bars.

Don’t get why the straights are always so against hippies anyway. Lot of kids with hair down to their ass and fuckin’ love beads, what’s so scary about that? Lot of kids practicing free love in the streets, they’re going places in their goddamn VW vans, going a lot of places that maybe aren’t on Mommy and Daddy’s itinerary, I ask you, what’s the big deal? But you just mention the word hippie, you just watch what happens. Number one way to get the straights in a tizzy: You just say the word “hippie,” or you say the word “drugs.”

Christ, that’s a whole lot of nothing I just said there, isn’t it? Yeah, I’m the one to talk about bullshit, aren’t I? That’s what I’ve been spouting to you here all afternoon, is just a lot of high-quality, Grade A bullshit. Yeah, you get me in the same room with a bottle, and look what fuckin’ happens. Anyway, I don’t know why I even started with all this shit. But since I started, I guess I might as well finish. Listen, I think the bartender’s ignoring me. Think he’s cut me off maybe, I don’t know why he would do that. I’m still vertical, means I’m not too drunk. Anyway, I’m a nice drunk, you can ask anybody.

Listen, how’s about you order another double for me? And you can order whatever the fuck you want for yourself. Listen, for the rest of the afternoon, I’m the one that’s buying.

…There, that’s better. Okay, where was I? Yeah, I was talking about the drugs, wasn’t I? AKA, the subject nobody wants to talk about. I’m going to be real with you here, okay? There are a lot of drugs in the porn industry. I mean, a fuckin’ _lot_. Always have been, always will be. Because remember, these are street-kids doing the modeling. Think we introduced those fuckers to drugs? Yeah, how naïve are you if you think that?

Most of ‘em, they come to us, they’re already hooked on something. It’s grass, or it’s booze, or it’s uppers maybe. Hell, maybe it’s fuckin’ downers, you think it’s easy for those kids to get to sleep? God, all of us need something… Why are we so quick to judge those kids for taking their street-drugs anyway? How’s that different from a guy comes home, he needs three martinis before he can sit down to supper with the family? How’s it different from me with the bottle, or you with… I don’t know. You smoke? How’s it different from that? How’s it different from a fuckin’ cigarette? You telling me I could take away the Marlboros, and you’re just going to quit cold turkey? But we have to keep dumping on the street-kids.

Hell, I never introduced _anybody_ to drugs. They’d come to me, they’d be taking… I don’t know, they’d be smoking pot, or they would be fucked up on uppers, maybe they’d have a meth habit or something… By the way, that’s the one you really don’t want. Those meth-heads? Jesus Christ, they’ll do anything. God, but they’ll fuck like monkeys all the way until they collapse, though. Until they lose their looks, or they die…

But I never _introduced_ anybody to drugs. Could I help it that they were everywhere around us? What was I supposed to do, pass up on all the best models because they were fucked up on something? Just send ‘em on down the road to the next studio? Yeah, I can see me doing that. “Here, why don’t you take pictures of him? I think he’s whacked out on reefer, think he maybe might have taken a fuckin’ _Nembutal_ sometime way back in the distant past.” Yeah, sure like I’m gonna do that.

And Loki? Listen, I know what you’re thinking, I can see it in your goddamn eyes. It’s like I can read your mind, you’re thinking, “This is _your_ fault, Stark, I don’t know how yet, but I know, this is _your fault_.” Fuck you, with your judgmentalism and your bullshit. You can just go to Hell.

It wasn’t my fault, none of it. Think I went and stuck the goddamn spike in his arm myself? Think I did any of it? Christ, if it had been up to me, that kid wouldn’t even have fuckin’ drank. I mean I know I do it myself, but that doesn’t mean I wanted him doing it. Not even a beer…

But of course the genie was already out of the bottle before he came to me. He was already drinking, and him just 17 years old. Both of them, him and Thor too, they were both a couple of lushes, but of course Thor was bigger, so he could handle it better.

Hell, I smelled it on ‘em the first time I picked ‘em up, but what was I going to say? Anyway, it’s kind of expected. You deal with street-kids, they’re going to have that street-smell to ‘em. That smell, that’s a mixture of booze and cigarette smoke, maybe a little garbage-smell, if they weren’t able to find a pad to crash in, the night before. 

Dirty little secret, it’s kind of an aphrodisiac. And not just for me, I’m talking a lot of guys here. Why do you think they’ll keep going and picking ‘em up, night after night? Keep risking getting a cop by accident, taking a chance you’re going to get the wrong one and he’ll put a knife through your guts. That smell’s like the whiff of danger, and danger, my friend, is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

And I smelled it on ‘em that night I picked ‘em up for the first time, that smell of booze and cigarette smoke, that smell that says, “Street kid.” And then after that… Well at first I thought it was just because he was smaller than his brother. Thought they were both probably drinking the same amount, because I knew Thor was drinking, and hell, what do you think, I was there every time seeing how much they each were drinking? I thought it was about the same, just, “Here’s a bottle of Thunderbird, brother, let’s share it 50-50, oh brother, I’ve got some Ripple here, you want a drink? Gotta keep the cold out somehow.” Wasn’t until I had Loki living with me… Well mostly. He was mostly living with me, I never could get him to give up the streets completely. He’d be with me, and I’d think life was cool, and then one night he’d be gone. …Wasn’t until then anyway, like I was saying. That was when I noticed, Thor would get drunk, but Loki always got drunker. Noticed there was never any time when he wasn’t drinking. Hell, you think I’m bad? I’ve got nothing on what he used to be...

You know what, I don’t want to talk about this. You just… Why don’t you go home now, or you know what? It’s time for me to go home, time for me to go to… Can’t really say I’ve got a home any more. What is there for me there? Just Pepper, and she’s probably waiting up to tell me some other way that I’ve fucked up. I haven’t had a home since… Well you know how long it’s been, since he died, I am literally that pathetic.

God, if I could have him here right now. Just any old way, drunk, or fucked up on heroin, or whatever. Just if I could hold him one more time, if I could talk to him… Talk to him like I used to talk to him, and you know what, half the time I don’t think he was even listening, especially toward the end. And I’d tell him how sorry I am, I’d tell him that I know I failed him, because I did fail him, god, so many times. But I’m not the one that gave him the drugs, don’t think that about me anyway. I may be low, but I’m not that low, and I know what those hard drugs’ll do to you.


	9. Loki, Tony, and Booze

Yeah, for a while there Loki and I used to drink together all the time. Did I mention he was a drinker? Yeah, he was my drinking partner, I’ve always been kind of a drunk. Hey, don’t judge me. I come by it honestly, my dad was a drinker, and his dad before him. God, the booze Grandpa used to put away, you should have seen him. I remember we used to go over there… You know how people do it, it’s a holiday, you go over to Grandma and Grandpa’s house. “Over the river and through the woods…” You learned that song in school, didn’t you? Hell, I sure did.

Dad was the one that made the money, see? Aerospace, he got in on the bottom floor, got all these government contracts. “Want some planes for the War in the Pacific? Stock up to fight the Russkies along MIG Alley? Hell, buy some F86es, buy some Skyraiders… Hey, need some more Corsairs? Need some Dragonflies?" Whole goddamn Air Force is stocked by my dad, to this very day, and of course Grandpa wasn’t part of any of that, he was just this guy, owned a hardware store, worked hard and sent his kid to college. And he lived in this little house, tiny little town in Iowa. But a drinker? Oh my god, you have no idea. And we’d go over there, he’d be drinking, and Dad would be drinking. They’d get to fighting, then they’d change things up for a bit, and they’d both start fighting with me. I was the kid, see? I was the one didn’t have any say in that shit, I just had to put up with whatever they threw at me.

But I don’t know. Why’d I bring all that up? Yeah I remember, I was just saying where I come by it honestly. Three generations of drunks, that’s the Stark family in a nutshell. And Loki was my drinking companion.

By the way, you ever fucked drunk? There’s this fine line. You can get so drunk, and it just adds to it, but after that? After that, watch out, is what I’m saying. You have that seventh drink, or maybe the eighth… Whatever your limit is, you’d better know it, because if you don’t, you’re going to drink too much, and then you won’t be able to fuck at all. And I’ve been all over the place with Loki, I’ve been enough drunk, and I’ve been too much. Thing about being just enough drunk, is it adds to the experience. It makes everything special, like life’s just one big party. That’s why I’d keep doing it… Hell, that’s a lie. I did it because I _drink_. It’s just what I do, and I wasn’t going to stop because of Loki.

Hell, I didn’t even think it was a problem. Back then, I was successful, I was making the best pictures of my career… Fuckin’ _art_ , that’s what I was making, better every time I picked up a camera. And I had my inspiration right there. Fuckin’ _right there_ , right in the house with me. God, I’d wake up sometimes, Loki’d be there in bed with me and he’d be so fuckin’ beautiful I’d start taking pictures before we got even out of bed. And we’d work for a few hours, then I‘d have all the pictures I needed. I’d go into the darkroom and develop that shit, then I’d have the whole day free. Hell, where was the problem?

And we’d go out. Me and Loki, we would have a party, every single night. And I’d get drunk, he’d get… Was he drinking more than me back then? I don’t know, maybe? Because I wasn’t paying attention, I have no idea how much he was drinking. This is what I know: I’d get drunk, and I would be having a good time. And Loki would be having a good time, and I guess he was drunk too… Probably? We’d go out, and we’d have some drinks. We’d come home and sometimes it was just the two of us, sometimes we’d bring somebody else home too. Sometimes we’d bring a couple of somebody elses, or, I don’t know, maybe I had a new model and I wanted to get to know him all over. It’d be us in the bed, the two of us, or the three of us, or maybe the four or whatever. But it was always so much fun.

And Pepper used to nag me some, but she couldn’t say too much. We were the creative talent, Loki and me. What was she going to do, kill the goose that lays the golden egg? Anyway, she had Happy, and he kept her pretty busy, and she had the business to run and shit. Loki and me, we’d always roll in real late, like I don’t know, 2:00, 3:00 in the morning maybe. We’d take our time about getting to bed after that, well I shouldn’t say “bed,” because we’d be in bed. Sleeping, I mean, we’d take our time getting to sleep. Then in the morning… Well the thing is, you can drink for a long time before it starts catching up with you.

You know I still don’t get hangovers? Look at me: If anyone should have hangovers, it’s me, but I don’t, I just don’t. Loki, he got them right from the start, not that he let ‘em slow him down any. And me, sometimes I’d be… Oh, I don’t know, a little tired? Like, maybe if I stayed up all night I’d be tired? There’s things you can do. Coffee can only do so much, but who uses coffee these days? 

Benzedrine, that’s the stuff. You take one of those and you’ll be flying, whether you got any sleep that night or not. But you’ve got to be careful. Take those things too often, and you can develop a habit. That’s why I like cocaine, that stuff’s not addictive. But hard to get? Oh my god, and it was even harder to get back then. So it was bennies for us. There were these inhalers you could get… FDA’s cracked down on ‘em now, but back then they were everywhere, I mean for sale at drug stores, you didn’t even need a prescription. That was all it took, or… Hell, diet pills, even… Pep decided she had to worry about her weight one time, and she got a prescription just as easy. She wasn’t even fat, but the doc didn’t care about that. Those things sat in our medicine cabinet until we used them all, mostly to wake up Loki and me, or I don’t know, some other model that showed up too strung-out to work.

Did we have a problem? I guess you could say we had a problem, even back then. But it was all legal, dig? And it didn’t get in the way. I was still taking pictures, and Loki was still modeling. He was still planning the layouts, we were still, you know, getting the job done. Wasn’t a problem until one of us couldn’t perform, and at that, it was me, not Loki. Creativity problem; booze’ll suck you dry creatively if you’re not careful. I did my time in a treatment program, after that I got back to work. I could always, always, at least until… Well you know, until recently I could, anyway.

But it’s while I was gone, I think that’s when Loki got hooked on the horse. And you know what, I blame Pepper. She was putting too much on him, because he had to be the creative component, the entire time I was gone. Take pictures of Thor, take pictures of Sif, take pictures of Steve Rogers and Sam Wilson, who were these models we were using at the time. Ex-Army, wounded in ‘Nam, we were using a lot of servicemen back then, because who doesn’t want to look at a soldier? Anyway, it was Loki taking pictures of all of them, and he had to keep up the modeling himself as well. You ever try having someone else carry out _your_ plans? You know how hard that is? Pep had Loki doing the plans, and the layouts, then she had him turn around and do half the modeling too. You know how much pressure that was? And there were all those servicemen. Dirty little secret the Army doesn’t want to cop to, but it’s reality, a lot of guys come home with a monkey on their back. And you don’t get rid of that, just because you’re in the States, oh no, you’re going to keep on using.

So anyway, I came home from that goddamn treatment program, found everything changed. Shadel Hospital… Fuck it, if I hadn’t gone…

Hell, I don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t gone. I’d probably never have taken another photo in my life, I’d have been washed-up sooner, rather than later… Loki would have been okay though, see? He and I, we’d have been together, wherever, and we’d have been doing whatever.

Aww fuck it, who am I kidding? Couple’a drunks, that’s what we’d have been. No jobs, no future… You think I could have gone home to Dad? Think Pepper would have wanted me? What was I going to do, go out on the streets with Loki, and both of us make a living by hustling? Like he wouldn’t have gotten into the drugs there? So I came home, and I was ready to work again, and Loki was still working, and we were pulling in good money. And I noticed a few tracks on his arms, but he said he could handle it, and…

He was still good _in bed_ , okay? That’s how I judged it: He can still get it up, he must be okay. Jesus H. Christ, I am fuckin’ stupid. How could I let that go by, let the best thing in my goddamn wasted life, just slip through my fingers? I don’t deserve to live.

Listen, you order me another one, or I’ll order one, and if that goddamn bartender pretends to ignore me again, I am fuckin’ wrecking this place. I am way too sober to be talking about this shit, or even thinking about it. Let me get a buzz on again, and I’ll finish the story.


	10. Loki and Tony and Heroin

What they call an alcoholic? It’s just somebody that gives up, you dig? Everybody gives up, they just do it in different ways, and I don’t know what’s so bad about my way, as opposed to anyone else’s. Listen, guy works 40 years, he retires, stays home with the little woman. You don’t call that giving up? How many of those guys pop off a year later, maybe two at the most? Or they’ll take up golfing, you know, for their health? Then they die out on the course? Life is only life when it has meaning. You take that away, what is there to go on for?

So I drink now and then, big deal… By the way, I’m getting kind of thirsty again, how about you? You want another one? A double maybe? …Okay, I drink a lot, and not just now and then. I drink pretty well nonstop any more, morning to night, and the only time I stop is when Pepper makes me. So what? Haven’t I earned it? Listen, I did fifteen good years. You’ve seen my stuff, right? Didn’t you say you were a fan? It’s _classic_ , best porn out there, bar none, no matter what these new guys are putting out nowadays.

I’m not going to talk about the new guys, I mean, I could? …Hell, why not? What the fuck else do I have to talk to you about? Bet you’re tired of hearing Loki-Loki-Loki. New guys, lot of pretenders, think showing beaver is art. Fuckin’ _art_. You ever heard anything like that? Let me tell you, takes more than getting a lot of people together and having them take their clothes off. You’ve got to have fuckin’ talent to make it art.

Fuckin’ Bob Guccione, and his fuckin’ goddamn _Penthouse_ magazine. You seen that damn thing? Let me tell you pal, hair pie? Ain’t fuckin’ art.

…Not that I’ve got an objection to showing pussy, you understand. That isn’t it at all, I’ve shown tons of pussy myself. But you’ve got to have more than that. You need an idea, you need some… I don’t know, I guess what I mean is you need some spirit to be there, anybody can strip somebody down and take pictures of ‘em.

Anyway, I thought I had a point to all that. What was it? I don’t remember… Yeah, that’s right, I was saying I did enough work for one lifetime. I had fifteen good years, made some damn good porn while I was at it. I’ve had enough now, is that so bad? Don’t I have the right to say when I’ve had enough? But there was a time when I would have thought I’d go on forever. Time when this shit felt like it mattered, it felt like I was doing it for _somebody_.

…Bet you’re going to say I was doing it for Loki. You are, aren’t you? Don’t bother lying to me, I know. That’s not what I meant at all, though. What I meant? I don’t know, some kind of vague idea of posterity, I guess that was it. Crazy as fuck, a porn king thinking about posterity, isn’t it? Isn’t it?

Kind of thing would make a cat laugh. There I was… This was after I got back from Shadel Hospital, you understand, after that damn drying out session I had. I went there… Place was hell on earth, by the way. Listen pal, take my advice and go easy on the booze, okay? Last thing you want to do is develop some kind of a habit. But I went there, got myself straightened out a little. And I came home, and you know I did go easy on the stuff for a while after that, so I guess it worked, huh?

…Anyway, I came home ready to work. I came home _in the mood_ , if you get my drift. I _wanted_ to work, “Give me a naked ass and a camera,” that was my outlook back then. And I came back and there was Loki, and he looked like he hadn’t slept in fuckin’ days, and he was just working and working. But I came in and it was like it gave him some spirit too.

That was… I don’t know. It was ’66, or ’67 maybe… _Help!_ What year did that come out? Jesus Christ, I’ll forget my own name next. We did a whole series based on that movie. Four mop-tops and… You know they’re all gay, right? Ringo, Paul, George, and especially John. They’ve got this manager, guy named Epstein. Have you seen him? Love the baby face on that guy. And he’s the gayest one of all of ‘em, and Loki and me, we did this whole big series, the Beatles, in compromising positions with Epstein, only you know, with other guys playing the parts.

Some of the best pictures I ever did were in that series, and you know why, right? Because Loki and me had a symbiosis. Because he inspired me, and I inspired him… Hell, you know why I finally gave up? Because I have given up, I might as well admit it. It’s been weeks now since I’ve taken a picture, and you know what? I couldn’t care less.

Anyway, what I was saying? I didn’t give up when Loki died. I mean, I wanted to, but I didn’t. What it was, was I just wasn’t any good after he was gone. And I could see it, and you know, it’s hard getting up and going on when you know you’re not going to make anything but crap. After a while you just stop trying. That’s what happened to me: We buried Loki… On my dime, by the way. God, Pepper was _pissed_. …We buried him, as I was saying, and after that it’s like everything just fell apart. I kept taking pictures, but they were all crap. Then there’d be retakes, and retakes… Jesus, you know Pep had Happy in there retaking for me? I mean, fuckin’ _Happy_. Like, she literally thought she could splice his stuff together with mine and no one would notice. _Christ_.

…But while we were good, we were so goddamn good. Me and Loki, I mean, and some of the best stuff we made ever, came out of that time right after I came back from Shadel, that time in ’66 or ’67, whichever it was.

You could already see he was going downhill, though. And I don’t like to admit it, but I knew he was using. There was a dealer in Hollywood. I tried to find out his name, because I was going to… I don’t know what I was going to do. Kill him maybe? Yeah, picture me killing anybody, huh? Anyway, I never did find out his name, so the whole thing’s moot. Loki called him the Other, and at first I thought that was because there was another dealer, but I think that was just what he called himself. The Other, he was the guy that was setting Loki up, and you’d hear him on the phone with him sometimes. Then he’d go out, sometimes he’d come back as twitchy as he was when he went out, and you’d know he didn’t find him, but most of the time he did.

You ever known a guy that was hooked on heroin? I mean, are you familiar with what that looks like? Jesus Christ, I mean _god_ …

And he’d come home and he’d be… I mean, there’d be nothing there, he’d be asleep almost. And the first couple times, I thought it was cute. I mean I knew what it was, you can’t be in my business and not know what heroin looks like, but this was _Loki_. Kid was always so touch-me-not, he was like a cat, just real, “Keep your distance, I’ll let you touch me if _I_ want you touching me,” but when he was on the horse, he was like a different person. And he’d be so cuddly, so relaxed in my lap, just all his muscles really limp. And I would hold him, and I’d like it… I’ll admit it, okay? I _liked_ it, even knowing why it happened. It made me happy, and you know the worst thing?

Only reason I can tell you this is because I’m drunk, okay? I can’t even talk about this stuff usually, I sure can’t open up and be honest.

Worst thing was I felt protective, okay? And not a good kind of protective, not the kind that might have made me get the poor kid some help. Thor was leaving right about then, and if I’d really felt like protecting Loki? Fuck, if I’d really felt like protecting him, I would have sent him with his brother. Just get him out of this filthy city, get him out of this whole filthy _life_. Kind of protective I was, I knew it was a game right from the start. Because I knew it was all about _me_. Who cares if Loki was okay, know what I mean? This made Tony Stark feel good, and that was what mattered. God, there’s why I’ve given up right there. There it is in a nutshell: Because I let Loki die, just so _I_ could feel protective. Isn’t because I’m a pornographer that I’m scum, pal, that isn’t it at all.

Anyway, that’s about all I can say without wetting my whistle again. Hey bartender, over here, why don’t you set ‘em up again?

What was that? The dealer? No, I never learned the name, you think he’d still be out there if I’d learned the name? I don’t know what I would have done, would have narc’ed on him at least anyway. What’s the reward for turning in a heroin dealer? Think Pepper couldn’t have used the money?


	11. Loki and Death, Tony and ...?

You know, I hate the hippies. Goddamn fuckin’ hippies, and their fuckin’ bullshit attitudes about everything. I mean, “This is the first day of the rest of your life.” That’s one of theirs, right? What does that even mean? I’ll tell you what it means, it means nothing. It means worse than nothing, it is the opposite of meaning, it’s just this meaningless thing you say, that tries to pretend that today’s going to be any different from yesterday, or tomorrow’s going to be any different from today, and it’s not, it never is. Fuckin’ _hippies,_ I’ll tell you.

First day of the rest of my life, was the day I found Loki. Because he wasn’t living with us any more by then, see, because Pepper pretty much kicked him out. She said to me, “It’s him or me Tony,” and she would have done it too, she would have left. And I couldn’t carry on the business without her, I was drinking pretty heavily by then, and Loki…

God, even when he was there, he wasn’t there, you know what I mean? No, I guess you don’t. You ever known someone who was… I don’t know, dying, I guess that’s the right word. 

Only it didn’t feel like that then, see? Because it doesn’t. What it feels like? If I had to describe what it feels like?

Jesus, there just aren’t words for describing it, because it’s not like this sudden thing, you know? It’s like this long, long, slippery slide, like one day it’s one thing, then another week’ll go by and it’ll be nothing, and you’ll think, “There, that’s okay, it’s getting better,” but it’s not, see? It’s just all part of the slide.

And they give you no support, like nothing. Like… Fuck all, I was going to say, Jesus, what a stupid little turn of phrase that is, huh? What I mean is, it’s like trying to move a block of wood, like you’re carrying someone who’s asleep, or…

I don’t know, sometimes the only way you know they’re still alive is you can hear them breathing, all right? Sometimes you can’t hear that and you don’t even know. And don’t get started about the overdoses, which there will be, there are always overdoses. You try and bring them around, you get them help, and sometimes it works, and then there are the other times.

This was one of the other times. And like I said, he wasn’t living with us any more by then. Because _Pepper_ put her foot down, she wouldn’t let him. She said, “It’s him or me, Tony,” and what could I do? I knew I needed her. 

And Loki didn’t really give a shit any more by then anyway, and he said, “You do what you want to do, Tony, don’t think that I care.” And did he care? You know honestly, I just don’t know about that? When I wake up in the middle of the night, that’s always what I think about, is I’ll think back to those last few months, and I’ll wonder what he was really thinking, and did he care, or does it even matter. I guess it doesn’t matter though, huh? Because the end result would have been the same, either way.

…Anyway, he had that apartment downtown. That apartment on 7th street, over by the Greyhound station, which is basically Skid Row, you know where I’m talking about, right? Yeah, _that_ part of town. Nothing but transients over there, and the worst sort of people, people who have no hope, and no reason left to stay alive. Kids hustling on Hollywood are nothing compared to those guys, we’re talking men that are decaying right before your eyes, right while you watch. And Loki got this apartment over in there, and it felt like he was joining ‘em.

And I went to Pepper, and I went to her, and I went to her, but she was unrelenting. “It’s him or me,” she said, “and you know what he’s like, and you know he’s not doing any work.” And, “We’re not carrying him anymore,” she said. “You know we can’t afford it, Tony.”

And I used to go over there at night. To his place I mean, I’d go over there because… Because I couldn’t stand not to see him, you know? Because no matter what he was, or what he had become, he was still… And I still couldn’t…

Jesus, listen to me. You know how I know I should go home right now? Because I’m not making sense, it’s just words, words, words, words, words. All that water under the bridge, you’d think I could at least describe it, right? Loki was a real person, and I really loved him, at least as much as a guy like me can ever love anybody. Guy like that deserves somebody better than me to keep their memory alive, but I don’t think he ever even got an obit in the newspaper. Not one fuckin’ obituary, fuckin’ L.A. Times couldn’t be bothered to even notice him… And Pepper for sure didn’t notice him, that’s for sure, or you know what? It was probably a relief for her when he was dead, she probably thought she was going to get me back after that. Ha, that was one on her, anyway.

Yeah, past time for me to go home. Time for this tumbleweed to be tumbling on, time for this old cowboy to head for that last roundup. Listen, I’ve got to say, I don’t know what I would have done without you here to listen to me today. Sometimes a guy just needs someone, you can only talk to yourself for so long.

Going over to Loki’s place was like a nightmare. Just the smell alone… You know the kind of places I’m talking about, right? Those Single Men’s Apartments, those places where you’re renting one room, and the doors stick, and the whole place smells like cockroaches? Cockroaches and piss, that’s what they smell like, and the smell of your neighbor’s whiskey, that he spilled on the floor after he passed out last night, and the smell of the people who died during the night, and maybe they weren’t found until they were a week gone. Only I found Loki right away… God, I almost wish sometimes that I hadn’t.

No I don’t, that’s just selfishness talking. That’s me wanting to save myself some trouble. I deserved to find him, and I deserved to find him just the way I did. Needle still sticking out of his arm, because the OD came on that fast; it served me the fuck right to find him like that, you dig? Because it was _my fault_. Whole goddamn thing was my fault, I’m the one that recruited him, and I’m the one that used him, and I’m the one that let him go at the end, when he needed my help more than anything.

Could I have helped him, do you think? Pepper says it’s nuts, she always says, “Tony, you’re just fooling yourself, Tony, he was doomed from the start,” and if I could believe that? But I can’t. And I’ll wake up at night, and all I can see is his face, and I’ll think, “If I’d just done this, or if I’d just tried that.” Listen, if you hadn’t been here today, I don’t know what I would have done. Probably I’d have gone crazy… crazier than I already am, I mean. I’d have just gone crazy, I’d have run out into the street, screaming and drooling. Or I’d have just gone home and killed myself.

Listen, I’ve still got a position in this town. It’s not much of a position maybe, but it’s a position. I have _clout_ , I could do a guy like you some _favors_. Listen, you’re not bad looking, and I know you’re into it, you don’t have to pretend with me…

Look, I don’t know. I’m just blowing smoke again, like, don’t I always? I just think a guy like you, and a guy like me… becomes sometimes you just need somebody to hold onto, am I right? …Hey, you want money? I’ve got money. I’ve got so much on me right now. What do you say, sawbuck? Double saw? I never paid that much in my life, that’s more than the best guys get, but right now I’m lonely, you pretty much have me as a captive audience, fella. And what can I say, I like your face.

We’ll go back to my place, where it’s nice and quiet… I’ve got a place Pepper doesn’t know about, little pied ‘a terre just off the 110, near Broadway. Place is quiet. Which if you know the area, is pretty much of an accomplishment. What do you say?

…What, the Other? You’re on that again? He was just some guy who was a dope dealer, what are you always talking about him for? He was a low-level guy, he answered to somebody, Christ if I have any idea who, what do you care about that anyway?

But that’s how it always is: A guy wants to talk, people are always trying to drag the conversation off and talk about something else instead. Listen, can we let the dead bury the dead for once, and talk about now? And right now I’m lonely. Half a C, okay? Never paid that much in my life… Listen, you tell anybody I gave you that for this, I am coming for you, man.

…Only not really. I’m just a guy. Just this drunk old guy, wants a little company, once in a while.


	12. Tony, and the cops, and Pepper

One phone call, blah-blah-blah. Yeah, I called you, who the hell was I supposed to call, fuckin’ Chicken Delight? Yeah, same-old, same-old. No, it wasn’t drunk-and-disorderly, they got me on solicitation… Yeah, that’s right, you heard me. Think I care, Pepper? Think I give a good goddamn?

Yeah, I was drunk, of course I was drunk, Pepper, when have I not been drunk, since… oh, I don’t know, since anytime in the past couple of months or so? Yeah, I’m drunk now, middling-drunk, you know. Pepper, you have to stop thinking that makes a difference. Just get it out of your head. It doesn’t, I’m still me, I still make the same decisions I would have made no matter what.

Yeah, I guess it was entrapment… Pepper, will you get real here? You know that doesn’t matter. Solicitations’ still solicitation, public indecency is still public indecency. I was a man, who committed the unforgivable sin of wanting another man, that’s a crime even if I never do anything. And I _did_ something, that was indecency piled on top of indecency…

Pepper, will you stop yelling? Yeah, I know I woke you up, but _Jesus_. Listen, who asked you to come? Did I ask you to come? I’m asking you right now, just don’t come. Just walk away from the whole mess, for god’s sake. Am I asking you to help me?

Death by cop, that’s what they call it, only, you know, a faggot’s going to do it differently from any other guy. Little street kid does it, he’ll take his zip-gun, go point it at Clancy-on-the-Beat, but me?

Pepper, _stop_. I am making sense, and I do have a point. Christ, I only called you because I…

Pepper, I knew he was wearing a wire, okay? I made him right from the start, vice cops have a smell about them, you know what I mean. Hell, you go to a faggot bar, you know there are going to be cops there, you’re, like, on the alert for them, you know? I saw this guy, he stank of cop, and I…

I don’t know, Pep, what do you want me to say? Want me to pretend I was just the dumb dupe again, just like all the other times? I keep walking into shit, you keep pulling me back out again; Pepper, when are you gonna get it and let me drown myself? What does it take?

So yeah, I knew he was wearing a wire. Sussed it out… I don’t know, probably I didn’t know at the very first, but I figured it out pretty quick, and then I just started talking harder. I gave him all this shit I knew would get a cop interested, and then I gave him the big guns when he hadn’t acted by then.

Pepper, I’m sorry. Fuckin’ business is in _your_ name, think I did that for no reason? Think it was just for shits and giggles? I’m trying to do something good here for once, okay?

Just let me go, Pepper. Just you and Happy, you go on, with the business, and with life, _you’ll do fine._ I know he’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but you’re smart enough for both of you. Hell, Pep, you know it’s been you carrying the business for the past year or so. Just go on, do it for real. Sell from the old catalog, that stuff’s classic, you’ll do great. Or if you want new stuff, I don’t know… Those new kids, the Maximoff twins? Wanda and Pietro? You know she’s good behind a camera, and you’re not going to find a model better looking than him. Just do it, Pep, just leave me alone and do it.

No lawyer, Pepper, fuckin’ no lawyer. What’s a lawyer going to be able to do anyway? I knew he was a cop, Pepper, and I knew I was getting recorded, and I did it on purpose. I told him everything, about me giving the stuff to Loki, you know, the pot and the coke, and about buying pills on the black market. And then when that apparently wasn’t enough, that’s when I propositioned him, and I couldn’t have said it any blunter than I did, I basically just said, “Fuck me, and I’ll pay you.” In so many words. Pepper, _you_ be realistic for once. What’s a lawyer going to do? There’s nothing he’s going to be able to say that’ll change the fact that I confessed.

Yeah, I thought about doing that instead. _God_ , Pepper, that it should even come to that, that we should be talking about _that_ … Thought about the pills, thought about the 45 you keep in your desk drawer too. And yeah, I know about it. I've known about it for a while now. You _want_ a lot of cops sniffing around the property, Pep? Want to be known as the studio where the owner died? I’m trying to keep this as clean as I can, as clean for you and the company, I mean, but for me?

I don’t want it to be easy, Pepper, there, I said it. Just a clean ending like that’s too good for me, I want to… Cue the dramatic music here, and get out your handkerchiefs… Remember how they used to talk about a Two Hanky Movie? Yeah, me too, good old days, right? …Two hanky moment coming up, I want to _suffer_ , baby, I want to suffer like Loki suffered. Because I _deserve_ it.

…Pepper, get real here. You’re joking, right? You can’t be that delusional. Pepper, you know they record these calls. The cops have it, every single fuckin’ word that I just finished saying. How are you going to make that disappear, Pep? What’s your shyster-lawyer going to do? Oh, and here, listen, I’m going to make it worse: I know I’m being recorded, and I’m okay with it. I relinquish my Fifth Amendment rights, there, LAPD, be happy. Move on, Pepper, for god’s sake, _move on_.

Tijuana. It’s been a long time since we shot below the border. You go down there, take the Maximoffs. You can get some local tail, pair it with Pietro, you _know_ the pictures’ll be great. …Or hey, you know, take the video camera. Shoot some movies. Dirty movies, they are the wave of the future, you know it’s just old guys buying the still stuff anymore. Yeah, the Maximoff girl would be great with a video camera, and hey, here’s an idea, why don’t you try her brother out as director? Who can you get… Oh, I don’t know, Sam Wilson? Or that Parker kid? L.A.’s full of models, Pepper. You know where I keep my black book, right? Or you can go cruising… You know where? Send Pietro, he’ll know, we both know which way he swings.

…Oh, now it’s a treatment center you want? What’s it going to be next, Pep, fuckin’ Patton State Hospital? Just give it up, have the good sense to know when you’re beat. Anthony Stark has found his escape rope, he’s checking out, you know what they say, live fast, die young, and leave a drunk corpse when you go. Say sayonara baby, and give up already, no lawyer, no appeal, and no more goddamn treatment programs. You backed the wrong horse, Pep, we had a good run, but now it’s over.

…So anyway, yeah, that’s why I called, right there in a nutshell: Cops are going to call you tomorrow, Pep, they’re going to ask you to come down. You be sure you’re not in town, because I don’t want you to come down, I don’t want you getting involved in this. I walked into the mousetrap of my own free will, Pepper, and I don’t want you getting me out. Pack up your scanties and get to Tijuana while the getting is good, and when you come back, I will be out of your hair for good and all. You’ve got the business in your name, free and clear, and all our talent plus the backlogged catalog from when I was working, and when… You know, before Loki… Christ, I’m sorry.


	13. Chapter 13

Who’re you? You’re new, aren’t you? _Me_? I’m the owner. …As good as the owner. I’m Mrs. Stark’s husband, that’s who I am. Don’t tell me you didn’t think she had one. She’s always had a husband, and I’ve always been it. I’ve been away some yeah, but now I’m back. Listen kid, don’t let that ball-breaking exterior fool you, everyone’s got to start somewhere, and I’m the guy that gave Mrs. Stark her start. Believe me, kiddo, she is _grateful_.

I’m also your boss on this shoot, so don’t start getting cute with me. What did you say your name was? Star Lord? Fucking _Star Lord_? Kid, this isn’t the Haight, and this isn’t the fuckin’ Summer of Love. Give me the real name. …Quill? Yeah, very real-sounding, su-uuu-ure it is, but I guess it’ll do.

You’re waiting for who? Maximoff? Yeah, I’ll bet you’d like to work with her, everyone wants to work with her. You know she was just a model when she started out? I’m the one who gave her her start too, I’m the one who gave everyone their start. I’m the Founder of this company, kiddo, so you’d better treat me with respect.

Yeah, I’m sure you’d love it if you were working with Wanda, or is it Pietro you were talking about? No offense, I’ve certainly got nothing against a fruit. Sooner or later, you’re going to have to be swinging both ways, if you stay with Stark & Stark, and you’d better stay with Stark & Stark, we’re only the best studio out there. Best _and_ oldest…

Hefner? You’re going to talk to me about fuckin’ _Playboy_? Kiddo, for one thing, that’s Chicago, and for another… You do know they contract most of their shit out, right? What did you think, thought Hef was in there in the studio with bunny-ears on, taking all his own pictures maybe?

Fuckin’ Hefner, do _not_ talk to me about Hefner, kiddo. Fuckin’ ripoff magazine of his that got its start with some pictures of Monroe that everyone had already seen. Gal flashed her titties for a calendar in, I don’t know, ’47, ’48 maybe? Suddenly that’s news in 19-fuckin’-53? I don’t know how. Kid, we were already _established_ in ’53. I was taking pictures that would put anything in _Playboy_ to shame, I made _Playboy_ look sick. Don’t talk to me about fuckin’ _Playboy_ …

By the way, “Mrs. Stark,” as you call her, you know she got her start flashing her titties in _my_ pictures, right? Yeah, you can’t tell with those suits she wears nowadays, but she’s got quite the rack on her, and _I_ was the one who gave her her start. Yeah, she’s moved past that, and here I am, still taking pictures, I don’t know, life’s strange sometimes, isn’t it?

Not that I’m complaining, I wouldn’t want you to get that idea. I’m damn good at what I do, kid, and I’m proud of it too. People talk about skin mags like they’re something to be ashamed of? Let me tell you, there is art to making a good skin mag, and kiddo, I am the expert. Now get those clothes off, let me see what we’re working with here. You didn’t get any cutesy-poo Star Lord tattoos, did you? No flowers on your butt? No, I don’t know, no peace signs on your dingus or any of that? Good, that’s good. …Underwear too, you think people are gonna pay to see your stained BVDs?

Gonna pose you with a woman, first thing. Yeah, it’s what you’re used to, su-uuu-ure it is, that’s what you all say. That’s what you say going in, all it takes is one sweet-assed boy and you change your mind. Someone like …Pietro Maximoff, say? Yeah, don’t tell me he hasn’t tried you, yet, I _know_ Pietro.

Where’d he pick you up, anyway, hustling the Boulevard? Pershing Square? Don’t lay some line of bullshit on me about being straight, kiddo, I know a faggot when I see one. Fine, so you’re a fairy, big deal, you think a fairy can’t make it in this world? Let me tell you, a fairy can make it just fine, look at me, best photographer in the business, _and_ half-owner of the biggest studio in Hollywood. …Biggest porn-studio, anyway, and I’m as fruity as they come. I mean, hell, I used to hide it, but what was the fuckin’ point? I’ll lay it on the line: I’m a faggot. Hasn’t hurt me in this business, has it? Look at me, I’m fine, I’m great. I mean, I’ve taken my lumps, but I’m still here, and I’m still making great pictures, aren’t I?

…Okay, turn around. Hmm… Yeah, you’ll do. Nothing to write home about, but… How long? No you’re not, I’m sorry, but I’m not buying it. I don’t care who you’re with, or what _he’s_ doing to you. I can judge these things, I’d say 6 ¼” max, and that’s being generous. Anyway, you’ll be with a woman, if you can get it up at all, I’ll be surprised.

Here she is, meet Zoe. Turn around there, Zoe, let your co-star get a good look at you. Yeah, the rack’s not bad, ass is a little flat, but that’ll just make it easier for you, Quill, won’t it? Yeah, just don’t think about the titties, we’ll pose her with her back to you, so you can focus on those long, skinny boy-legs, and that teeny little boy-ass instead. Excuse _me_ , Zoe baby, I’ve got _nothing_ against that cute, gamine figure of yours, you’re a regular Twiggy, aren’t you? …Mind you, nobody’s making porn about Twiggy. Can’t even picture it, myself. But I meant no disrespect, is what I’m getting at here. Listen, sister, if you can’t stand the heat? Get out of the fuckin’ kitchen. This is a hard business, you either get hard yourself, or you die.

All right, let’s see you together. I have to say, I am _loving_ it, two beautiful bodies, you look great together, only I’m thinking… What if we paint her green? You like that, Zoe? Want to be painted green?

Yeah, you can be Star Lord, Quill, and Zoe, you’ll be… oh, I don’t know, we’ll call you Gamora or something, some shit like that. Kids’ll eat it up, we’ll get a whole _Star Trek_ thing going, see what we have in props that we can use. I know there’s a stuffed raccoon in there, some fake trees… Kid, it’s _porn_. Nobody’s expecting realism.

Okay, here’s the setup: Star Lord’s the space hero, Gamera, or Zamara, or… What did I say your name was, Zoe? …You’re the beautiful alien, and the …I don’t know, the raccoon, or the tree, or whatever we can find, they’re, like, your side-kicks or something. You’re doing some kind of alien shit, you’re taking over a planet, or rescuing somebody or something, but then all of a sudden you meet Star Lord here, and it’s like instant fireworks, it’s like the hottest thing that ever happened to you. Can you do hot okay? Let me see your chemistry together.

Jesus, Quill, I might as well pair you with the raccoon. …Eh, fuck it, it’ll do. It’s _porn_ , no point making it so awful good.

You know I used to do real art? Have you seen the old stuff? I had this kid I used to work with, god, he was the most talented thing you ever saw. …But that’s how he burnt himself out, it doesn’t pay to be too talented in this business. Me, I’m just talented enough. I mean, I can go either way, I can do the pure art-stuff, like with Lo… like I used to do with that kid, is what I mean, I mean, he brought out the artist in me, but I don’t always have to go there, I can do just fine, just shooting what’s going to make us money. You do know this is a studio, right? The whole idea is to make money?

…All right, let’s go. Zoe, you got that green paint on yet? Red wig? Smart, but lose the catsuit, okay? People are paying to see your ass, not a bunch of goddamn leather. Keep the gun belt, lose everything else. I guess we’ll have to wait, _again_ , let you go paint all the places you missed the other time.

Quill, are _you_ ready? You do know I was kidding about the raccoon, right? …Eh, fuck it, we’ll keep him in. Zoe, get your ass out here. …Heh, your _green_ ass.

…All right, here’s the deal: Star Lord, you’ve been stuck on a spaceship for… I don’t know, for your whole life, maybe? You’re out in space, and you haven’t been back to Earth since you were a kid or whatever, and suddenly here’s this alien chick, and she hits you kind of hard, I mean, she is the sexiest thing you ever saw, you can’t wait to get at her… Turn around. _That’s_ what you’ve got? Kid, if that makes six inches… Eh, you know what? Fuck it. …Anyway, here’s Miss Alien of 1969, and you want it, you want _all_ of it, so give me a look, come on, really sell it.

 _Jesus_. …Well, I guess that’ll do. Zoe, you got your green on? Come on out. Let’s get the raccoon in there, and… I don’t know what this tree is doing here, I guess we’ll pretend all of this makes sense. Anyway, if we pose this thing right, maybe the tree’ll hide some of _Star Lord’s_ shortcomings. And when I say “short”, I mean _short_ , if you know what I mean. I didn’t used to do this shit, I used to do art, but fuck it, money’s money, and it’ll all be the same in 50 years, after all of us are dead. Put your hands on those green hips, Star Lord, really lean into her. Come on, Zoe, move back, press yourself up good. Now turn. …Harder, I want you to give me full-frontal, here. Okay, and I’m shooting, in one, two, three…


End file.
